I feel my reasons were valid but it wasn't a decision I would've made in the right relationship

By August

I'm 38 years old and just had an abortion 2 weeks ago. I was eight weeks pregnant. Most women my age would say this would be the ideal time in life to have a baby. I agree and regret my decision. My situation was complex.

My partner and I, let's call him Doug, had been dating for 2 years and been living together for a year and a half. He's 35. Doug and I had a very turbulent relationship. We fought almost every day and he had a bad addiction to marijuana. Hence why we fought.

He had a terrible childhood and his parents were both deceased. He had a great job, but emotionally he was a mess. Angry and grouchy when he didn't have his marijuana, which led to horrible withdrawals and bad fights. I was the blame for him smoking more and soon I was faulted for everything that went wrong in his life.

I still loved him but our relationship was walking a thin line and we were miserable. I had tried to help him with his addiction for over a year with no changes. When we found out I was pregnant we were living in the same apartment but broken up for a month.

I had given him an ultimatum to cut back on his habit and go to therapy a month before and he failed. I couldn't handle the thought of bringing a child into this world with his addiction and our terrible fights. With the persuasion of my family members, I decided to get the abortion.

I was nervous and walked out my first appointment, I called him and he told me to come home. I never did, I stayed away from him and stayed with family for the whole 3 weeks I knew I was pregnant.

He called every night begging me to come home and that he wanted this child. BUT he wasn't willing to go to rehab, he didn't think he needed it. Common defensive lingo of an addict.

I proceeded with the abortion the next day and felt the guilt almost immediately. Would he have changed if he saw the baby bump and the child was born? I'll never know. I could only go by our history and his behavior, one of a functioning addict.

I came home 7 days after the abortion. All I could do is cry when I saw Doug. I knew there was love between us but not in the way I wanted for a family. I was fearful that his addiction would provide the child with a turbulent life, one he had. I was afraid of being a single mom.

We tried to be together after the abortion, but he had resentment. We didn't know where to go from here. A few days passed and I found out while I was away and pregnant those 3 weeks he had reconnected with an ex who he claims carried him through the pain of the abortion. I was furious as he had always trash talked her.

I was hurt and felt guilty as it was all my wrongdoing. I wanted so bad to be pregnant again immediately. I felt I had made a mistake. Today we are going through a break-up and we are both looking for new places to live.

I lost a relationship, a family, and a partner all at once. I feel my reasons were valid but at my core, it wasn't a decision I would've made in the right relationship.

August sent this story in on 03/09/2015

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