My story differs quite substantially to the ones I read on here.
I decided to have an abortion because I was starting University to become a Paramedic in September. Now was not the right time for me. I was too young, too inexperienced in life and not exactly in the best of relationships. I became pregnant because of a stint one night where my boyfriend didn’t use protection. As it stands scientifically, becoming pregnant is quite a hard task so I didn’t worry too much when we had sex. How foolish of me!
I missed my period and could feel my body changing. I was feeling sick, tired and not eating well at all. Two tests later – I was pregnant. Telling my boyfriend made me break down in tears on the phone. He was shocked too but we both decided to go ahead with the termination. Nobody knew about my pregnancy so talking to others about their experience was hard. It’s not that I didn’t want people to know because I was not ashamed of my choice; it was simply because I am a very private person. Not even my parents or best friend knew my secret!
I was told to come back to the hospital at 7am 48 hours after taking the first pill. When I arrived with my boyfriend, I saw I was the only person on the ward that day. I was pleased about that but I wanted to talk anonymously about my experience with someone who understands! So I was left to myself. At around 7ish again the nurse came and inserted four tablets into me, one in my bottom (antibiotic) and two pain killers. I slept for two hours and then the pain started to come.
I have read in all the stories on here how it was horrendous and unbearable with painkillers, but to be honest, I didn’t experience it that badly. It just felt like heavy period pains and a constant dull ache, nothing which I couldn’t manage for the next few hours. It came to about 11am when I went to the toilet (in a bedpan). Blood came out of me - I don’t want to say it poured out. I think that gives everyone the impression loads came out. It did pour out but nothing drastic! There, two clots of blood came out, one darker than the other. I left the toilet and told the nurse, who came back around three minutes later to tell me that everything looks ‘complete’.
I stayed another hour or so until I felt well to go home and I was out of there by around 12.30. I just want people to read my story before going for medical abortions. I think you may have guessed now I have shown no emotion about the termination I had. Why? Well I think that’s because I was at peace with myself. My head and my heart agreed that to have a baby right now would be foolish. I took the pain and discomfort of my experience as a price to pay for making a mistake. It wasn’t that bad. It was nowhere near what I had expected after reading the stories on here. I understand peoples experiences differ but it’s not something I wouldn’t do again. I don’t plan on doing it again and it is most definitely not a form of contraception!
Although morally I know what I did was wrong, I know that in some respect people’s opinions differ when they say they are having a baby. Mine opinion is: If I gave birth to it right now, would it survive? If not, then I don’t see it as a baby, but still as an embryo which it scientifically is. I take this experience in my life; it’s been a chapter I won’t forget and something I will live with. I apologise for sounding so hard and unemotional, but for someone who is 21, I would consider myself level headed. I didn’t mean to get pregnant; it was an accident and they do happen.
Editor’s note: Thanks for writing in and sharing your experience…Your story will help other readers to see that a medical abortion isn’t physically painful for every woman and they may feel more reassured about that aspect now.
It sounds as if you had some important things going on in your life that meant not being pregnant would have been preferable for you – your age, going to uni, being in an unsuitable relationship. All these things put pressure on you, didn’t they?
I wish I could reassure you that your head and your heart were truly in agreement, but when I hear a person saying that they know what they did was ‘morally wrong’, it’s clear that their actions and beliefs are not really as aligned as they hoped. Being at peace with oneself comes from this alignment of beliefs and behaviour. Perhaps you need to explore this.
It may also be that your heart is telling you that you have crossed the line of your own circle of values. I sense this because you felt the need to ‘pay the price'. Somehow, your physical suffering makes you feel better about it, doesn’t it? It's just something to think about.
It’s clear that you are not hard and unemotional. I want to encourage you to allow your rationality to relax a little and spend some time considering what has been said, even if it's hard to face and not really what you wanted to hear. If you need any support, then you can receive kind and compassionate help from your nearest centre, the helpline or Online Advisor. We’ll be thinking of you.