I had an abortion on the 17th of February 2006 and I have thought about it ever since.
I had the abortion during my last year of school whilst I was studying for my A levels. It was awful. I had morning sickness during some exams and sat there in fear of throwing up. I thought about abortion for weeks before deciding to do it. I know it sounds clichéd, but my head was telling me to get rid of it while my heart was saying this is my baby and I should keep it. So, in the end I decided to have the abortion.
When I got to the clinic, they said I was 12 weeks and would have to have a surgical termination. I couldn't believe I was that far gone and would need an operation. It became the big cover up. I made up a story about a party and that I would be staying at friends for the weekend. Oddly enough, my family believed it. A close friend took me to the hospital and then it was all over; I didn't have a baby anymore. The actual operation wasn't so bad. The staff were friendly and I wasn't waiting that long. Afterwards, when I woke up, I felt very alone and quite removed from the situation, as though it hadn't happened. I've never been the same since.
I had to take a gap year before going to University as I wasn't coping and now I am at University, things still aren't right. I find it hard to cope with everything. Everyone expects me to do well and I feel like such a fraud. Lots of my friends have kids and I find it hard to be around them. I feel so alienated from my friends. I just wish I never made the mistake in the first place and then maybe my life wouldn't be such a mess.
So, if you are thinking about termination listen to what your feelings are telling you because you may just regret it at some point later on in life.
Editor’s note: Thank you for sharing your story with us…I sense that in order to cope with what was happening on the day, you had to put a bubble around you to protect yourself from the truth or the pain of what was happening. That’s why you felt removed and alone. That seems to have continued to some degree, in that you feel ‘alienated’ and a ‘fraud’. This is how difficult it can be to carry such a big painful secret.
I wonder, too, if thinking about your abortion every day is something you do to keep it with you, as a kind of way of compensating for it, or paying back. It’s a kind of self-punishment. Whatever it is, it’s clear that you are stuck in negative emotions about your experience and you are finding it very hard to move on in a healthy way. This is making your life at university a problem rather than a pleasure. It would help you to visit your nearest centre and see someone who understands. You can tell your story face to face, be listened to kindly and find recovery through our ‘Journey’ programme. We’ll be thinking of you.