Right up to the last minute I didn't think I'd go through with it

After reading a lot about this subject (medical abortion stories) on this forum I decided to share my story, I'm a mother of 2 and 27 years old. I've been in my relationship for 6 years we are an extremely happy family! My partner is 7 years older than me and felt we had completed our family, but I was like "never say never".

Well, last Thursday I had a sudden thought - where's my period? I had recently come off the pill ready to have the implant put in (we had used other protection during this time) and my breasts were sore and I was tired...

So the test was positive! Straight away I was filled with dread as my youngest had just started school full-time and I work full time so how would I cope? How would we afford it? I don't have the room. Well, I told my partner and he said it was my decision...

I've always been very pro-life and never thought I would consider an abortion. I rang Marie Stopes for advice. They were extremely supportive, I had a phone consultation and they booked me in the following Tuesday to start treatment for a medical termination!

After plenty of research, I was HORRIFIED to read all these terrible stories about how bad a medical abortion is and I was petrified!!!

But I went ahead with my appointment and was greeted by a lovely nurse who was very supportive. I had a finger prick, blood pressure and an ultrasound which was agonising. I wasn't shown the screen but I saw the printouts. I was 5 weeks and 4 days and it suddenly hit me - what am I doing?

Even right up to the last minute I didn't think I would go through with it. I did. I went home felt fine, no different, but had an emotional breakdown racked with guilt and regret.

I woke up the next day feeling "normal" but that evening I started to bleed like a light period.

Thursday I returned to the clinic for the second set of pills. I had pain relief, anti-sickness and antibiotics, and 4 tablets that I had to put in my mouth and leave to dissolve.

On the jorney home, I started having cramps like period pains. I set myself up in the bathroom and about an hour later the bleeding started. The pain was, well, can't really say pain, it was more uncomfortable!

I bleed quite heavily but nothing like I expected. I passed 2 clots but not massive ones. I couldn't help but look I needed to get it straight in my head what I had done.

I passed what I guess was the sac as it was clear in colour, it was the size of a grape and had nothing inside that resembled a "baby". Which to me was a little easier to bear.

I continued with light cramps for a few hours and well, that's it, nothing compared to what I expected. I thought I was in for hours of agony (which is what I felt I deserved).

Although I'm glad to put this behind me I will live with the "what ifs" for the rest of my life and the guilt I will feel as I will never forgive myself. I look at my children and my heart aches at what I've done. I'm angry I allowed it to happen. But I made my choice I just hope it was one I can live with.

This story was sent in on 17/09/2015

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