They wouldn't give me a medical abortion so my only option was surgical
I am 19 years old. My boyfriend Liam and I have been together for almost 10 months now. We fell so hard for each other, there is no doubt in my mind he is my soul mate, and I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with him.
Last June I found out I was pregnant. I took a break from my birth control pills because I just needed a breather from all of the hormones. We said we would try to be careful, but if it happened we would be totally fine with it.
The day before I took the test we took a day trip to Waterton Parks to go hiking, which is what we like to do when we have days off together. The whole time I felt so off. I felt overheated, like a fever and my tummy didn't feel so good either.
I told Liam how I was feeling, and he said: "Do you think you're pregnant?". And I just said, "I really don't know, maybe...". And for the rest of the day felt so anxious and kept wondering what if at that very moment, our tiny seed was growing inside of me?
The next morning I got up at 7 and went to work. I couldn't handle not knowing anymore, so I ran to the pharmacy area (I work at Walmart) and bought a cheap $10 stick, and went to the restroom.
Within 20 seconds of peeing there it was, two dark pink lines clear as day. I felt pure shock. I stared at it for a few minutes just trying to soak up the fact that, we are having a baby!!!
I was so happy but also scared out of my mind, and a little nervous to tell Liam. His first reaction was that he was scared. We went out for dinner, and I could tell the gears were turning in his head, and I wanted to know what he was thinking.
A few days later we started to talk about how we are going to afford to raise a child the way they deserve to be raised, and also pay our bills and keep food on the table. We both don't make much money and were already sorta struggling to make ends meet. I knew what he was going to say and I burst into tears.
We did the math and he was right, we just couldn't do it. Not to mention we had only been together for 6 months at the time, and while my family would have been supportive, his would have been less than.
I cried and cried. I was a mommy, and even though the baby was just a teeny tiny little sea monkey, it was still a baby, our baby we made together with our love. Liam said if I really wanted to keep it, he will do his best to make ends meet but he would be unhappy always working because he would have to go up north and that if I did choose to keep it that he would be disappointed.
I knew what I had to do. I called Kensington Clinic in Calgary and set up my appointment since I live hours away they would not give me a medical abortion so my only option was surgical.
I was terrified and anxious for the weeks following. I held my tummy down low, and cried and said I'm sorry over and over and over, telling the baby that I loved it so much and none of this was its fault and I was just so sorry.
Liam didn't seem to have much emotion towards the situation, other than he didn't like that I cried a lot and it made him sad that I was sad.
We drove to Calgary the night before, I told my brother we just wanted to come up to visit and go shopping, so we stayed the night at his place.
Up early the next day, I felt dead inside. I numbly showered and put on my comfy sweats like the clinic suggested and we made our way there. First I spoke with their counsellor who gave me several booklets and asked if I was absolutely sure of my choice and that I wasn't being forced into doing it.
They gave me a cloth skirt to put on, and a warm blanket and then I joined the other ladies in a room with cozy chairs to wait for our turns.
I got called up, went in to see the doctor and they gave me two Ativan, and two pain pills.
Then I got my ultrasound done, I was 6 weeks and one day. All you could see was the yolk sac and a teeny tiny little blob next to it. My baby.
I went into the OR and laid down where the nurse started my IV. I was awake for the procedure, but very cloudy and disoriented from the sedative. I remember feeling sharp pain, which was the needle numbing my cervix.
I started to cry again but was so drowsy I couldn't really move. I lost my sense of time. Then the cramping started, it hurt so bad I remember going "owwww please it hurts so much" and the doctor said we are almost done.
After all was said and done I was taken to recovery where I laid in a recliner with a hot water bottle, a blanket, some juice and cookies for half an hour. And then I redressed and went back home, sore and tired and bleeding and beyond heartbroken. Liam seemed relieved it was over.
To this day I think about it often. I see babies, and happy pregnant ladies all day long. All of my friends are married and have kids. And I would give anything in the entire world to have it all back. I'd be 20 weeks this week, one week short of my 20th birthday.
I know yes, logically it was the right choice to make. But I will live with the guilt and shame and utter regret for the rest of my life. I carry my ultrasound picture with me everywhere, I think I would die if I ever lost it.
I wish I would have stood my ground and not done it. Nothing will fill the whole I have in my heart now. I miss my baby every day, I feel as though I do not deserve to have kids in the future. Or I won't be able to get pregnant again as punishment from the universe.
Liam and I are still deeply in love, and I work two jobs to make ends meet and save a little.
Kaitlyn sent this story in on 20/09/2015