My abortion still affects me today, it's something I'll never ever get over
I had an abortion six years ago at the age of 17. I never imagined it would happen to me I guess at that age we can be naive. I wasn't in a relationship so for me, I was in a worse situation as there were no feelings between me and what would have been the father.
It wasn't planned and to be honest neither of us thought anything about the situation we were in. Until one day I found myself throwing up and not being able to cope well with keeping food down.
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A few days later I decided to take a pregnancy test and at that time I still felt oblivious to what may actually show up. I took the test in the morning and it came back positive.
Straight away my family found out the news and were disgusted that I managed to get in such a difficult and emotional situation. I was a wreck and had no idea whether to be happy or sad!
I guess for me I always knew that no matter how disappointed my family may have been they would support me and stand by my final decision. For others they may not be so lucky their families or friends may have abandoned them or even worse, that person may have nobody to turn too!
No one goes through the same feelings or thoughts when it comes to making such a decision. everyone copes differently and especially when you have to consider a life it's so important to not rush into any decision.
For me, my family were telling me to abort the baby, that I had so much more of my life to live before I settled down, that I'd be wasting my teenage life. I went to inform the guy who was equally responsible and he told me straight away to abort the baby, no surprise to me.
I had no idea what to do for the best, I wasn't thinking long term only about the here and now. I went for a scan which was a very emotional time for me. I was 8 weeks and 4 days gone and to me, that seemed a lot.
I had two weeks to make a decision but to me, no amount of time was ever going to be long enough to decide such a fate. But two weeks passed and after going through every possible thing I could think of I made the decision to have an abortion.
I had an abortion in October and I cried every day and every night for weeks and weeks, every day seemed to get harder and I kept thinking what if. I eventually decided to have counselling sessions to try and help control my mental state and this went on for about a year after my abortion.
Things become easier, I still broke down now and again but I began to build a future for myself and look towards coping with the loss of my baby. However, its something I'll never ever get over. It's something that still affects me today.
6 years on I still think what if I had kept the baby, how different my life would have been. I do regret having an abortion because I feel it's a selfish and easy way out. We often forget its a life and take for granted the opportunities out there to abort a baby.
I'm not going to lie and say it's easy because as I said before its never something you forget. It's just something you learn to deal with. in the first few weeks after I couldn't look at babies. I couldn't be around them because I'd think about myself having that.
The hardest part for me after 6 years is seeing people close to me have a family and the joy it brings to their lives. Although I wasn't in a relationship at the time or in a stable situation like many of my friends are, who are having babies now, it doesn't make any difference as it affects your mind and heart.
As I say everyone handles things differently and I'd advise anyone to think long term not just about the here and now because it is something that you have to live with for the rest of your life and importantly it's whether you can provide that child with the love it needs and deserves.
I know in my heart I would have loved that child more than anything in the world but the time just wasn't right for me. I've learnt to not be so naive and to understand the consequences my actions do have. It doesn't just destroy you as a person it also may destroy your family and friends around you.
But I know one day I will get the family I've always dreamed off and I know that my babies soul will be in the baby that I do have. I hope one day I can show the world what an amazing mum I can be.
I hope you all manage to find the right answers and you all manage to succeed even if it means being alone.
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