6 days ago I had a surgical abortion by vacuum aspiration with local anaesthetic at 13 weeks and 6 days
I'm 21 years old and 6 days ago I had a surgical abortion that was vacuum aspiration with local anaesthetic at 13 weeks and 6 days. It was one of the hardest decisions I've had to make and one I made with loads of doubt but I'd like to explain and on my experience and how I came to the decision of having the abortion.
I have a 5-year-old daughter who is an amputee, who I had at 16. Her dad is uninvolved for a variety of reasons, but mainly because he decided he doesn't want to be. I've seen how it has affected her not having him involved and at times it's heartbreaking.
After a very long time of not being sexually active a friend I had known for a while become close and we started seeing each other. I fell pregnant first in September and had a miscarriage with twins at 10 weeks and 2 days, it was very traumatic and lonely.
[You can find miscarriage stories on this page.]
Then after that, I fell pregnant again at the end of October and didn’t realise as I had bad flu and a bad sickness bug and when I finally did realise I was really scared because of what already happened and had so many mixed emotions towards it.
So I spoke to the dad and he already had 2 kids and wasn't mentally in a good place and said that he didn't want to carry on with the pregnancy, but I did and I felt so strongly about carrying on with the pregnancy. He kept expressing to me how it was really affecting him mentally and how he wasn't ready and he didn't want to be involved if I did carry on with the pregnancy.
At first I was fine with that and still wanted to continue on but as I thought about the situation I am in now already with my daughter, and how the relationship with her dad has affected her and also him, and how he only lives round corner from me, and his family, having to continuously deal with having to see them and them not wanting to be involved, and how that would have an effect on that child.
So my heart was really torn, do I go with how I feel and what I want and potentially ruin his life and possibly that childs, or do what my heart was telling me to do.
So I decided to go to a BPAS clinic alone to look at my options and find out how far I am cause I didn't know. So I went there and had a scan and I asked to see the screen otherwise they won't show you.
I was 10 weeks and 4 days so I was too far to have the abortion pill and I was truly heartbroken. I spoke to the dad and told him what I had been told and he still said he wants to continue with the abortion and I was still trying to convince him otherwise.
For a few days, I cried so much, really thinking about what was the best thing to do and had no one to talk to really about it so that made it a lot harder. I suggest anyone who's making this decision please speak to someone you trust and have some support throughout.
[You can find your closest free and confidential pregnancy counselling on this page].
But I finally decided the abortion would happen but I didn't want to. I loved this baby and it was breaking my heart but I realised it's not just about me and what I want. I have to consider everyone involved and how it would impact them.
I finally went and signed the consent form and booked to have the surgical abortion at the clinic so by the time I had it I was 13 weeks and 6 days [experiences of abortion at 13 weeks].
Abortion at 13 weeks + 6 days
I had to take 1 tablet the night before called mifepristone. It caused light cramping and in the morning I was then booked in and I got dressed into a gown and sat and waited for around 2 and a half hours and that was hard, just making me think about it even more.
So eventually I was called into a room and told to remove my underwear and was walked into the room, got onto the bed and I had a local anaesthetic as I wasn't allowed sedation due to no one being with me, plus I'm sensitive to sedation.
So the surgeon introduced herself and explained what will happen and asked if this was what I really wanted - I agreed but in my heart, I didn't want to.
She told me I will feel slight discomfort and cramping throughout. There was another lady scanning me and another holding my hand. I was laying down with my legs supported up and she told me she was about to begin.
Without a sedative, it was extremely painful and distressing
She started preparing my cervix and I just started panicking and I asked her to stop and I start up and had a moment and just burst into tears. They gave me a moment and asked why I was doing this and if it's what I really wanted.
Once I calmed down I explained my situation. They were reassuring me and asked if I wanted to continue. I agreed and we carried on with the procedure which I found extremely painful and distressing. I cried throughout the whole thing.
It took around 20 minutes but felt like a lifetime. Once it was over I sat up and there was blood everywhere and my insides were aching and sore and I just started getting extremely distressed.
I discharged myself from the abortion clinic
I had my antibiotics and discharged myself (I highly do not recommend anyone to do that) very silly of me but at that moment I just wasn't thinking straight.
I went home, was sick and had to go back for more antibiotics. When I got home I felt extremely light headed and went a little funny so I went to bed and woke up with mild cramping.
I only bled a little bit over the next few days but still felt so sore down below and inside and just felt so depressed and upset with the choice that I made.
I've felt deep regret since the abortion
For the next 2 days, I felt the same so I decided to talk to the dad about how it's made me feel and he came round and we spoke and he comforted me. Since then I still feel deep regret, I feel a loss for me but still know that I did it for the right reasons, even though I badly wanted to keep this baby.
But I think each day it does get easier. I'll just say that if you have doubts please speak to someone more and really understand how it will affect you [free and confidential pregnancy counselling]. Anyone who is going through it, I hope you have someone too.
For now, I just need to heal and accept this in my own time and understand that it just wasn't the right time with the right person and hopefully one day in the future that will happen and if not I'm still blessed with my daughter.
I hope this will give some help if considering abortion.
This story was sent in on 05/02/2019