I chose medical abortion even though she said aborting twins was higher risk and there'd be a lot more pain

At the start of the year, I’d felt really lonely. And so I was filling that gap with dating men. There was one boy I had sex with and it just so happened I’d accidentally missed a pill. 7 weeks and 3 days later I was lying on a Marie Stopes bed with a woman scanning me.

I knew straight away when I’d done the test that I couldn’t have this baby. I’m 25 and have a good job, saving for a house, certainly not in a stable relationship nor financially stable enough for a baby. So this was my only option and I felt unemotional about it.

Marie Stopes hotline

I called the Marie stopes hotline and had the consultation over the phone, obviously, she was reading from a script but it still felt warm and supportive. I had an appointment for the following Tuesday.

I was a bag of nerves, I hadn’t told anyone about it, not because I was ashamed but because I didn’t want anyone asking me if I had made the right decision because I knew I had. I didn’t want sympathy I just wanted it done.

I expected better

So I went on my own. I had expected a better experience from reading about the clinics online. It wasn’t terrible but I was kept waiting in this awful room that was messy and people kept looking in at me from another clinic over the way.

Then the lady asked me to come in... I was the one making polite conversation with her (because I felt nervous) and surely that’s supposed to be the other way round. For the rest of the time when I wasn’t nervously rambling, it was just awkwardly silent.

There were two embryos - twins

She took my blood pressure, tested me for anaemia and then put me on the bed for a scan. I was up there for a while, but she finally said I could wipe off the jelly and sit back down. She then proceeded to tell me that there were two embryos... twins. I could not believe it.

She asked if I needed extra time to think about it. I couldn’t even fathom having one let alone two. So I told her I would proceed. I don’t know what it is about it but as soon as I knew it was twins I felt more emotional, I think it’s the word twins, because before it wasn’t real to me. I wish she hadn’t said "twins".

The risk was higher

I chose to have the medical abortion, she said it was a higher risk being two and that it would be a lot more pain but I thought I could handle it. I took the first pill and would come back the next day for the second set of pills.

I didn’t feel very different after the first set. I couldn’t stop thinking about the idea of twins but other than that there were no symptoms. And I still hadn’t told anyone.

I never before felt pain like it

When I went back the second day, I had to dissolve 4 tablets into my gums, it was uncomfortable and took about 20 minutes to dissolve. The symptoms then began approximately half an hour later.

I’ve really never felt pain like it. I was doubled over in agony solidly for half an hour. I was dizzy and nauseous. I couldn’t sit down or stand up so I ended up just lying on my bathroom floor. Then came the diarrhoea and after that, the pain subsided.

It was then just a dull period pain ache. I didn’t start losing tissue until about midnight. I felt both leave me but couldn’t bare looking down to see. They both came out with a little push and then blood gushed afterwards.

I spent about an hour and a half sat on the toilet while tissue left my body and I kept bleeding. One of the worst things is that I can’t get a shower until 24 hours after the pills and I could have definitely done with a shower.

I'm numb to the emotional side

Now that it’s over I know for sure I did the right thing. The pain was temporary and I feel better knowing that I don’t have that to worry about anymore. Thinking about what I’ve lost doesn’t make me emotional, I feel numb to that side of it. I know this was the right choice for me.

Make your own decision

Anyone worried about doing this thing alone, don’t be. Don’t feel ashamed, don’t feel like you should tell someone. You make your own decision and you’re stronger than you think.