I had an abortion three years ago and there is not a day goes by that I don't think about that decision I had to make.

By anonymous on 24/06/2008
I had an abortion three years ago and there is not a day goes by that I don't think about that decision I had to make. I was in my final year at university and had just split up with my boyfriend of two years. I knew I was pregnant before I had even taken the test. It is the strangest thing I have ever experienced.

I tried to talk it through with my ex but he didn't want to know. With the support of my family, at seven weeks pregnant, I decided that due to my emotional, personal and financial circumstances, I couldn't continue with the pregnancy. I wanted to be able to give my child everything they wanted and deserved, as well as my love.

Every day I have to go through the guilt of knowing that I chose to kill my baby. I have an aching in my heart from the minute I wake up to the minute I go to sleep. I can not forgive myself for what I have done. It hurts so much to know that I could have had a perfectly healthy baby, but made the 'easy' choice to have an abortion.

I was seven weeks gone and the experience leading up to the abortion was a complete nightmare. My GP was very good but the hospital treatment I got was abysmal. Firstly the nurse couldn't find a vein to take blood from. Then came the scan. It has to be the most gut-wrenching experience to have a scan and not be allowed to see my baby. My mum was with me - my tower of strength - but the doctor could not have cared less about how I was feeling. She managed to get my name wrong three times and then tried to make a joke along the lines of seeing so many people and her age was playing havoc with her memory!

Whilst waiting to see the doctor in the hospital, I had to sit in the same room as the happy couples who were continuing with their pregnancy. I felt so ashamed and dirty. The actual abortion clinic was a ward with sectioned-off beds (a curtain divider). You could hear the other women crying and screaming as some where in a lot of pain. I had a terrible reaction to the procedure and fainted twice. When my baby came out I was rushed to the toilet where I had to squat over a commode only to have the nurse shout at me and tell me not to look down. The whole experience was the worst of my life. The ward was sectioned off by locked doors, adding even more to the feeling that you were a dirty little secret.

Now my friend is pregnant and I am insanely jealous. I am trying to be happy for her but I am finding it so difficult. There is a hole in my heart and I can't repair it. Every where I go there are babies or pregnancy. I know it is a common thing to see but it hurts beyond belief. I am really struggling to cope and cry a lot and hate myself for not being stronger and believing I could cope. I don't know if I'll ever get over it. I learn to live with my decision but it does not make it any easier. I know my thoughts are irrational and that hopefully I will go on to have a family with my current boyfriend who I love and have been with for three years. But I just don't seem to be able to let go of the past.

Editor’s note: Thanks for sharing your story with us…You are being far too hard on yourself; hating yourself for ‘not being stronger and believing you could cope’ and saying your thoughts are ‘irrational’. There is a famous quotation that says, ‘The heart has its reasons about which the mind knows nothing’. That means that your heart has a logic all of its own and the mind doesn’t understand it. Your mind said to you that the only logical solution was to have an abortion in your circumstances, but your heart, with its own logic, has released pain where it has been hurt by your abortion experience. Your heart knows the loss, grief, guilt and shame that are a response to the damage done. Your heart won’t let you rest until you have processed your experience at a heart level and received healing for it. That’s why you notice every baby and pregnant woman; that’s why you can’t seem to let go of the past; that’s why you cry a lot. Nothing will improve until you attend to your heart. The best way of doing that is to contact your nearest centre or use Online Advisor to receive post-abortion support. You will have the opportunity to work through your emotions, understand the impact of your experience, and find the healing you need. Have courage. There is a way through this.

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