I am 17 and fell pregnant just after my 17th birthday; it was a complete shock.
One of the women who worked for the clinic discussed my options with me. I knew what I had to do which was probably the hardest decision I was ever going to make but that wasn't the bit that scared me. It scared me more that I was pregnant with my best friend’s child and I had no idea how to tell him. When we spoke later that night he was in shock really, and I didn’t see him for a week or two. He couldn’t even look me in the eyes. It still hurts how he dealt with it. I’ve hardly spoken to him but my friends were great all the way through it. One or two of them don’t understand how emotional it is, but I’m still glad they were there to help me.
I was arranged with an appointment for the first stage of the treatment at a hospital and given a follow up appointment a few days later to go and complete the treatment by passing the products of pregnancy. In the first stage of treatment I saw the scan, which I know is not policy, but I couldn't help it. It was just sat there asleep. I felt really strange about seeing this. Luckily I only had slight sickness in the morning before the second stage of termination. I know other people haven’t been as lucky.
When I had the second part of the treatment, when I had to pass the sac etc, I found it a bit of a shock. I wasn’t ready just to see it be taken away from me so quickly; I never really got a chance to see what had happened.
I was quite violently sick during the treatment but it’s perfectly normal, I suppose. I bled heavily for about three hours and then I passed the products. After that I hardly bled at all until the second week. I’ve recently started having regrets about what I did. I’ve been looking at universities non-stop and been training myself to get back into shape but my heart’s just not in it. I really do regret what I did. It’s hit me a few weeks after and I feel stranded in that I can’t do anything about it. I’m still bleeding heavily, more so now than I was at the start. I don’t know if it’s just the constant reminder of what I’ve done or if I truly regret giving up and hoping it won’t affect my future.
I know there are so many other people in the same boat and I'd urge you to go to see a counsellor. They really do help you to understand things; most of them have been in the same situation at one point and have dealt with many different faiths and situations which require a termination. All I can really hope for is that my decision was for the best and I will get a great career and hopefully have children that I will be able to give everything to, just to make up for the past.
Editor’s note: Thanks for sharing with us…What I notice about your story is that you seem to be keeping yourself disconnected from the idea of what a pregnancy truly is, yet I sense that there is a part of you that does recognise what has happened to you and is disturbed by it. The fact that you didn’t feel ready to have the ‘sac’ taken away from you so quickly is one indicator, for example. And what you say at the end about being able to give everything to your children is also a sign that you are disturbed by your abortion experience, as if you have to make up for something you have or haven’t done. Perhaps you are also feeling it’s very important that you make this decision work for you, by becoming successful in your career or family life later on. All these things reveal a level of discomfort with your experience.
I think it is still early days for you, but it may help you to talk this through with an advisor. You would be able to explore your feelings and assess for yourself if you have been affected in any way and need some support to work through any emotions deep down. It’s better to have a post-abortion check-up than just hope that things will feel better in time. It might be a good idea to get checked up medically too. We’ll be thinking of you.