I was 16 years old when I had a baby, then three months after his birth I became pregnant again, giving birth to another baby boy.
The closer I got to home the more positive I had become and was quite excited to be carrying a life once more. Once I got home I thought I will tell him tonight over a nice meal, when we were alone. That evening the boys had been bathed and put to bed and my then husband was sat watching TV. As I prepared our meal I kept smiling every now and again thinking all was ok. After our meal I thought now's the time so I sat down next to him and pulled the test from my bag. His face dropped and he told me under no circumstances was I keeping this baby and if I did he would leave me and our two boys. This was the last thing I ever expected to hear as he was very anti-abortion as far as I had known up until that moment. I had never considered abortions myself due to the religious upbringing I had received.
I arranged to talk to my GP. He was really kind and told me it was only up to me as to what I wanted to do. But how was it, I remember thinking, I had been told I would lose my children's father, my marriage, everything I had worked hard to keep together?
I arranged to have an abortion at the hospital. My local hospital said they would have to send me to another one as they didn't deal with people at my stage. Again very young and very naïve, I didn't quite understand what they meant but I thought they know what they mean and will probably make it clearer at the next hospital they send me to. The Tuesday morning had arrived and I was taken to the hospital by my husband and his friend. I remember thinking how nervous I was and sick I was feeling but I said to myself, ‘It's ok, my husband will be with me’. How wrong I was. He walked me to my ward and my room then turned and said "I'll be back tomorrow to pick you up". Shocked is the only thing that comes to mind these days, alone and scared to death of what was going to happen. I just remember freezing and just giving a nod and a smile while falling to pieces on the inside.
As the day went on I learned why my hospital couldn't deal with my case. I was 25 weeks and three days pregnant and I would have to give birth to my baby to abort it. At exactly 8pm that evening I gave birth to my little girl. I was alone in my room. No nurses or family around me. Now usually I should think many women would have rung a bell or pressed a buzzer to alert the nurses. I didn't. I didn't want others with me. Instead I picked her up and held her and called her my little angel named her Starr and watched broken-hearted as she took her last breath.
I am now 33 years old and I think of her every single day. I have never spoken about her to anybody apart from here. My marriage ended shortly after the abortion as I could never look at her dad as I had once before. I am not on here to look for pity or to hurt any others I just think she deserves me to say ...."If you are out there and you are in a similar or same place as I once was please only do what YOU feel in your heart unless it is needed."
Editor’s note: Thank you so much for having the courage to tell us your story for the first time…It touches us all deeply as we read it.
You haven’t said how you have managed to live with this pain in your heart for so long, not having spoken about your daughter to anyone. Maybe now you’ve taken this step, you feel you could open up the treasure chest of your heart some more and allow someone you can trust to help you look at the pain you have experienced - the grief, the regret, the sadness - and find a greater measure of healing. Please contact your nearest post-abortion support centre (if you are in the States, call 800-395-HELP) or use Online Advisor to talk it through with someone who understands. We’ll be thinking of you.