Five days ago I had an abortion.
By anonymous on 21/08/2008Five days ago I had an abortion. It all started in June. My boyfriend and I have been together for two and a half years and this was the second time I have had an abortion. The first time was when I was 18. I found out I was pregnant in Jan 07 and had the abortion in the march. I was 12 weeks when I had the procedure and it was the worst experience I have ever had to go through in my life. I hoped I would never have to do so again. I was on the pill and never missed a day or a time in which I needed to take it. It was a real shock when I found out and I didn't know what to do. I had mixed feelings of confusion about whether I should keep the baby or not. Twelve weeks was a long way along and for me to just get rid of my baby like it didn’t mean anything caused me a lot of grief. I regretted it in every way. I wanted my baby back inside me.
I felt so empty and shameful that I had to do this to myself and my baby. After a few months I started to feel better about it. My boyfriend helped me and eventually I got over the pain. I realised that one day I would have a beautiful baby when I was stable enough. The months went on and just five days ago, I had another abortion.
In June, my boyfriend and I were just getting ready to go on our holiday in 1 July. A few weeks before, I started to feel different. I needed the loo a lot more and felt very moody. I did a test and it came up negative. I was relieved that I was not pregnant. However I was due to start my period on holiday - unfortunately I did not come on. My boobs had gone up two cup sizes and I felt there was something wrong. We came back from holiday on the Thursday and I did a test on the Friday. The test was positive. I could not believe it. I hated myself for letting this happen again and I did not want to get rid of my baby.
I rang my boyfriend up and he said not to worry, everything will be fine. I knew that by ‘everything will be fine’, he meant ‘get rid of the baby’. I didn’t know what to do. I had no one to talk to and felt so alone. I knew that if I told my boyfriend he would go mad. Eventually I told him I did not want to get rid of the baby and as I guessed he went mad, telling me that if I kept the baby I would have no life and would not be able to go to college or go travelling like we said we would do. I knew he was right but I didn’t care. I couldn't get rid of another life. I would regret it for the rest of my life. I decided I would keep the baby and I even told my parents. My mother said whatever I choose to do, she will be there for me. I was happy and thought if my boyfriend did not want it and I did, then he was not worth it.
The weeks went by and my boyfriend still told me to get rid of it. I could not cope with it any more so I decided to have an abortion. I went for my consultation and had a scan. I found out that I was eight weeks pregnant and kept a picture of the scan. I thought it would help me change my mind but I couldn’t cope with my boyfriend.
Two weeks later, I had the abortion. I was ten weeks and I was unable to have a sedative so the pain was unbearable. I could not move for three hours. I hated myself again. I wanted her back inside me. What had I done again? I have murdered my baby and it was my fault. It was my decision and I did it. I looked on the internet at the anti-abortion videos and if I had seen those videos before the abortion, I would have never gone through with it. I have now decided that if I ever get pregnant again I will never, never get rid of my baby. I am against abortion now. Any one who’s considering abortion, make sure that your decision is from the heart and make sure you are doing the right thing. Never let any one make a decision for you. You may regret it for the rest of your life.
Editor’s note: Thanks for sharing your story with us…It’s clear what your heart wanted, isn’t it, but you felt the pressure of your boyfriend’s opinions. Perhaps you also felt you didn’t want to lose the relationship with him. Now you struggle with the painful emotions that are emerging from your heart; feelings of guilt, sadness, loss, emptiness and grief. Part of your response to that pain is to be determined never to do that again, and to have strong feelings against abortion, but you may also need to spend time attending to your heart and its feelings. If you would like to, you can visit your nearest centre and go through our post-abortion recovery programme, called ‘The Journey’, if you like. It’s sensitive and caring in its approach, but helps you address the very real emotions you are experiencing and come through them in a healthy way. We’ll be thinking of you.