Well, I found out I was pregnant about 7 months ago when I was 18! It was big shock to me as I didn’t even realise I was or thought I was.
After talking to my friends for hours about it I finally brought up the courage to tell him, like a coward I texted him. He sent me a text back immediately saying I would have to get rid of it. I burst out crying when I read this. All I could think was that he didn’t even care what I wanted, whether I wanted to keep it or not. All he cared about was me getting rid of it. Getting rid of my baby! It hurt me so much that that was all he thought about, he didn’t even ask me how I felt or anything! He would text me every now and again to check that I was still getting rid of it. He even texted me one time accusing me of cheating on him and saying it was someone else’s baby! I couldn’t actually believe it when he said that.
After a week or so I finally made an appointment to go and see someone about an abortion. I had to wait a week so it wasn’t too bad. On the day I was really nervous even though it was just for a consultation but when I got there, I had written down my appoint time wrongly. The next free appointment time they had wasn’t for another two weeks. I couldn’t believe it. I was furious. I was already seven weeks pregnant and I had to wait another two weeks. I wouldn’t just be able to take the tablet. I would have to have an operation to abort it.
The next two weeks were dreadful for me. It was all I could think about. It was on my mind 24/7. I still hadn’t told my mum and I didn’t want her to know either. It was very hard for me to hide it from her though, as she knew that something was wrong. Every day she would ask me, ‘Are you ok? You don’t seem your normal self’. I would say, ‘Yeh, I’m fine, mum. Don’t worry’. As soon as she would leave the room I would cry my eyes out. I would cry every night; the feeling of worry just overwhelmed my body totally. All I wanted was for my mum to give me a big fat cuddle and say we can get through this together.
Finally the two weeks came round. It felt as if it had been forever. I had a scan done and she told me I was nine weeks and three days pregnant. She showed me the screen. I didn’t know what to do, I just cried. It only looked like a blob on the screen, but that was my baby. It’s weird because I felt so attracted to it already. I couldn’t leave my belly alone. I would always be rubbing it, saying ‘night night’ to my baby before I would go to bed. I wish I hadn’t seen my baby on screen. It made me feel even worse that I had just seen my baby for the first time and now I was going to kill it.
They booked me in for the abortion a week later. I was scared and worried; I didn’t want to be put to sleep fully, so I chose to be sedated where I was still awake in the operation. The day came. I was so nervous. I didn’t speak the whole way there. I got a text from my ex boyfriend on the morning saying good luck, which I was very surprised at. When I got there my friend dropped me off. I said I was ok to go in by myself. They asked me a few questions and asked me to take a seat. I was so nervous I kept trying to relax. They took me up to the operation room and showed me the needle they would use to sedate me with. They went through the procedure with me. Suddenly I burst out crying, I couldn’t stop. After an hour of crying they took me down stairs and still I was hysterical. They called my friend back to get me and arranged for me to see a counsellor, and then rearranged the appointment for another day. After speaking to the counsellor my mind was in two minds. I really wanted to keep the baby but I knew I couldn’t because of my ex boyfriend as he was so against it.
I finally went back in for the abortion. I so didn’t want to go through with it but I did. They put me on the table and put the drugs in me. They said I would feel funny and still be awake but would know what was going on. After a few minutes they started the procedure. I remember I felt nothing at all. Then suddenly I had this huge rush of pain. It felt like a million times worse than any pain I had previously experienced. I was screaming STOP, STOP, STOP but they didn’t; it was so unbearable. I wasn’t meant to feel any pain at all.
After the operation all I remember was that I couldn’t stop crying for hours; I was such a state. In fact I couldn’t stop crying for weeks after. I still cry about it now all the time. All I wanted was for my boyfriend to come and give me a cuddle and tell me everything would be ok, that’s all I wanted. I had the support of all my friends but for him to have been there would have helped me so much.
There’s not a day that has gone past when I don’t think about my baby. I wish I could go back in time and I would have kept it. I regret it so much. I feel so much guilt and pain. The tiniest little thing reminds me of my baby. I see a pregnant woman or a woman with a little baby and I can’t help but cry. I want my baby back so much and I can’t have it back. It hurts so much to think that. To think that I have killed it as well. I hate myself so much for doing it. I so wish I didn’t listen to my boyfriend and I wish I had been honest with my mum as well and told her. If I had I would still have my baby. They told me my due date for my baby as well: November the 3rd 2008. I just can’t forget about my baby. I have its date written in my diary. It’s all I think about. I know I need to forget about it. Well, obviously I won’t ever be able to forget about it but I need to not think about it so much and try and move on.....but I guess time is the only healer.
Editor’s note: Thanks for writing in with your story…what seems to be dominant in your story is your utter sense of grief and loss. You made a choice under pressure of circumstances and someone else’s wishes, but your heart was clearly telling you what it felt deep down about the idea of ending the pregnancy. What’s important now for you is to receive post-abortion support so that you can process your grief, your sense of loss, your guilt and sadness. This will take time and it may be emotionally painful but the end result is that you can relate to what has happened in a healthier way. Please visit your nearest support centre, ring the helpline or use Online Advisor to talk with someone confidentially about The Journey recovery programme. It’s a free service, usually on a one to one basis that helps you work through all the aspects of your experience. We’ll be thinking of you.