I suspected I was pregnant and did five tests before I started to believe I was.

I don’t really know where to start this…I don’t want to drag on too much but there is so much to say. My boyfriend and I have been on and off for four years but we got back together in July 2008. I suspected I was pregnant and did five tests before I started to believe I was. My boyfriend doesn’t want kids, so I knew what he would think. I can’t remember how long it was before I plucked up the courage to tell him. My memory is a little hazy around this part, but he was very supportive. We didn’t discuss our options. Me trying to be the good girlfriend, I did what I thought would be best for him. I had my abortion on the 18th of August 2008. Having to have the scan was torture. Everything I wanted was right in front of me and I couldn’t have it. I was seven weeks gone. I had the four pills and within an hour I started getting terrible pains and was throwing up. I don’t even want to go into details of how much agony I went through - it was awful. It’s been five weeks since and I feel terrible. I can’t sleep properly. I have nightmares. I’m just longing to have my baby back - I wish I had never done it. I can’t stop crying. I feel like crap constantly; I don’t want to leave the house, I don’t even want to be on my own. I wish I didn’t have to feel like this anymore. Editor’s note: Thanks for writing in…It sounds as if you only considered what you thought your boyfriend wanted – perhaps in an effort to keep the relationship intact – and pushed down your own feelings about what you wanted. In your head it may have made sense to have a termination but it seems as if your heart felt quite differently and that’s the pain you’re feeling now. It sounds as if you want to ‘hibernate’. You feel regret, loss and emptiness, it seems. Sleeplessness and bad dreams are not an uncommon symptom afterwards. It would help you to talk this through with someone who understands the difficulties women can suffer after abortion. You can do this by visiting your nearest centre, ringing the helpline or using Online Advisor – a secure online support system on this website. Don’t suffer in silence – there is hope. We’ll be thinking of you.

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