My husband and I have always had a wonderful marriage for 10 years and we have one child together.
We successfully used the rhythm method for 10 years and never had an accident. We conceived right away when we tried for our daughter. I became so ill during pregnancy that I was unable to work, was bed-ridden and we became deeply in debt. When my daughter was 3 years old, right around the time we had thought about another child, my husband became very sick with a potentially debilitating disease which was not curable. However, the symptoms are treatable at least for now.
I've always wanted another baby with my husband because I loved him so much, but respected the fact that he no longer wanted any more children. He felt he would become much sicker if we had another child. Due to his inability to work since his illness, and my inability to work while pregnant, we would have no way to provide for our existing family.
When I was 36, I became accidentally pregnant during what had always been a very safe time immediately after my period ended. My husband was devastated and told me there was no way he could raise another child, and no way we could make it financially while I was incapacitated for 9 months of pregnancy. He told me abortion was the only option and that trying to have the baby would destroy our family. We had many fights about it since I loved my baby who was my husband’s child and child's sibling. I wanted to keep the baby desperately. However I knew that we would lose our home if we tried. I would no longer be able to support my child or husband and he said he would have no choice other than to move in with his parents, who can’t stand me and bullied me to have an abortion. They were not willing to help us through the pregnancy and bullied me into an abortion by telling me I am the reason he developed his illness in the first place since he had all the stress of helping to take care of our child while we were both working full time...his illness is considered genetic by the way. His mom also accused me of getting pregnant intentionally which couldn’t be further from the truth. She is also a very religious catholic...go figure...
I was so physically sick and emotionally overwhelmed I gave in to their will and he took me on the two hour drive kicking, screaming and crying the whole way. He told me it was either the baby or our family, that I couldn’t have both…but told me he never bullied me. I cried all the way home from the procedure which was performed by giving me medication to induce miscarriage which I had in my bathtub in physical and emotional misery. He was very loving to me after he got what he wanted - at least for a while. Now he tells me I have to get over it.
I saw the tiny sac that once held my living beloved child and the tiny cord that attached it to me. I have nightmares about my baby and cry about it every day...I am so sad and love him so much, I need him and want to be comforted by him but often I hate and resent him so much and want him to feel my pain...but he doesn't. I feel so betrayed and abandoned by him. I would have never believed he could behave this way toward me. I had no family to turn to for help or I would have. All I had was my husband and child. Now I feel so alone. He can't understand or doesn’t care to understand my pain and grief. I asked him why he had no grief and he told me that the pregnancy was the worse thing he has ever experienced and the worse hell he could ever imagine for our family considering our circumstances. He told me he did what he thought was best to save our family but felt either choice we made would destroy everything since we had no financial means to make it through the pregnancy and, even worse, he couldn’t physically or emotionally or financially handle another child since we had no support system.
I want our marriage to make it...which is the only reason I gave in. My husband has always been loving and kind to me until this tragedy but he has been so insensitive to my hell. I suppose since his hell is over he has no way to accept the fact that mine will never end. I will never forgive him, his parents or myself. I feel my life is over, I am an empty shell...but I go on for my child. My only goal is to protect her from all this ugliness. It hurts so much that he tells me if he was healthy that having our baby would have never been a question that, of course, he would have wanted to keep it. He said he wasn't willing to sacrifice his health to have another child, since that would be traumatic for our existing child (who adores him). I can understand this point but it doesn't take away the pain or the reality of what we did. We ended the life of our child, a product of our love which is being tested now. I don't know I f I am strong enough to survive this.
Editor’s note: Thanks for sharing your story with us…Once again, your story is one of the head’s logic overruling the heart’s instinct towards the pregnancy. Your circumstances made it so difficult to choose to pursue the pregnancy, particularly in the light of the pressure you felt from your husband and his family. This event in your lives created a huge gulf between you that needs to be healed, but first you need to take time out for your own heart to find healing. Find out what services are available near you for post-abortion counselling. Have counselling and learn about your relationship with your husband and his family through it, so that you can then begin to address those issues too. You can only change yourself – no one else - and how you relate to others, but as you change yourself, your husband will have to respond. It may be a long journey ahead, but if you want real change, it’s the only way forward. Have courage and take the first step.