I had a medical termination yesterday. I cannot believe how I feel today.
However, as days and weeks wore on, I just knew it wasn't the right thing to do. I had severe PND after my daughter, and she is 4 now, and I have only been off medication for 3 months. Money is tight. And, although this sounds selfish and spiteful, I just did not want another child in our lives. My husband and I are happy with the way the three of us live our lives. I saw my doctor two weeks ago and told her my husband and I no longer wished to carry on with the pregnancy. She was shocked, but agreed to support us. She gave me counselling to be sure I was doing the right thing, and I was still sure.
After my referral to the hospital, things moved fairly quickly. I had my first lot of oral tablets on Saturday, and then my pessaries yesterday at 8:44am. By 11am I had started to bleed a little. I went to the toilet at 11:49am and passed the baby in its sac. I was curious and prised the sac open and inside it was a tiny, tiny little person. He was so small. Yet he had arms, hands and fingers, legs, feet and toes, and a tiny little body and head. I know it was a boy, I just do. From the second I was pregnant with my daughter, I knew she was a girl, and it was the same this time, I knew he was a boy. About 15 minutes later, I passed the placenta. I was told I was about 9.5 weeks pregnant by my scan and also by the size of things passed.
Today I cannot stop crying. I am not sad that I am no longer pregnant as I know it wasn't right for us to have another child. But I still feel a tremendous sense of loss, the sense of guilt is even bigger still and also the sense of failure. I feel I've failed my husband, my daughter, my dead baby and myself. I don't see how I will ever forgive myself for letting myself fall pregnant in the first place. It's never happened in the nine years we've been together, apart from when we planned our daughter. I'm scared of the future and how I'm going to get through it, and I'm worried about the person I've become. I hope for the sake of my daughter I can carry on and feel better. But right now, I feel I deserve nothing but sadness for my actions.
Editor’s note: Thank you for sharing your story with us…It sounds very much as if this profound experience of being confronted with the reality of your unborn child has divided your very self; with one part – your head – saying that logically it wasn’t right to have another child due to circumstances; and another part – your heart – saying that it is hurting deeply with guilt, loss, regret and fear. This part of you is reacting very strongly to the knowledge of what has happened to you, whether you logically understand that or not. You feel challenged at your very core about this, don’t you? It is even challenging your sense of who you are, it seems.
It’s early days for you yet but it will help you to get in touch with someone who can support you. Most women don’t want to go back to the place where they had the termination, so you might like to visit your nearest centre, call the helpline or use Online Advisor to talk with someone who understands how many women can experience termination emotionally. You may not logically know it, but your heart needs attention and it’s making itself known to you in the best way it knows how.