I am 36, and have two children ages 5 1/2 and almost 8. I found out 4 weeks ago that I am pregnant.

I am 36, and have two children ages 5 1/2 and almost 8. I found out 4 weeks ago that I am pregnant. Four years ago, I decided to have an abortion when I learned I was pregnant. I decided almost immediately, because my children were so young, we were financially struggling, our house was tiny, and I felt overwhelmed already by caring for my two children and working. My husband supported this decision. Although my reasons felt valid, after the abortion I experienced immense grief and sadness. It took many months for life to start to feel normal again. I still feel it was the right decision at the time, but I certainly have regrets. With this recent pregnancy, I would not have considered abortion if my husband was willing to support having another child. In fact, I had told him I never wanted to have another abortion. Unfortunately, he has been very upfront that he does not want any more children. We have been at an impasse, and eventually he gave me an ultimatum - have an abortion or he will leave. I have struggled to make a decision for the past several weeks, and eventually decided to schedule a termination for tomorrow because I don't feel I can manage raising two children and a newborn on my own. I don't want to lose our family life and put my kids through a lot of heartache that would result from a divorce. But I don't feel confident in the reasons behind my decision this time. Honestly, I feel I have no choice. Editor’s note: Thanks for telling us about your situation. You may have had your termination by now and I wonder how you are feeling about it. It’s clear that you were under a great deal of pressure from your husband, but clearly felt the internal pressure, too, of not wanting an abortion, after your previous experience. You may have taken the self-sacrificial step of putting your relationship before your own deeper needs, and gone ahead with the termination, but this is a false economy both relationsally and emotionally. You may have felt feelings of relief initially, but I suspect other feelings may be surfacing now. If it is something you are struggling with, please ring our helpline or make contact with your nearest centre for some support. You may be feeling that you can’t talk to your husband about it and it would be good for you to have a safe place to talk it through. Let us know how you are. We’re thinking of you.
This story was sent in on 02/01/2009 and it's been viewed 1,276 times.

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