I had an abortion at 20 weeks when I was 23 and lived at home with my parents

I had an abortion when I was 20 weeks.

I was 23 but lived at home with my parents. I kept it from them for 19 weeks as I knew they would go mad and I was right.

They gave me three decisions, none of which were great.

Then they booked me to go to London to a clinic where I had to have two operations; one that afternoon and another one in the morning.

I will never forget the feeling of sadness and the fear that I was feeling when they took me down the first time.

Waiting up in recovery later, I didn’t know what was going on.

My boyfriend at the time wasn’t allowed in for a while as the nurses wouldn’t let him.

The sickness was awful all night and, the next day, I kept hearing the nurses checking me, knowing my baby was still inside but I think was dead. It broke my heart and still does to this day.

I am 31 now and have never spoken to anyone. I have a family now but have lot of nightmares and often cry. I feel I won’t get over this and feel there is something missing and I can’t get it back.

I don’t blame my parents as I had my own mind. I just hated letting them down.

Editor’s note:

Thanks for having the courage to write your story…

It sounds as if you haven’t reconciled yourself to this experience and you’re suffering emotionally from grief, loss and guilt in particular.

Your subconscious is giving you messages through your dreams that healing is needed; that you need to pay attention to your heart.

It sounds like it’s time for you to find some support from your nearest centre to begin a journey of recovery. In fact, you’ve already begun by sharing your story here.

You don’t have to stay behind the wall any longer; there is hope.

We’ll be thinking of you.