I wanted to give some hope to the people reading this section who are coming to terms with a termination.
I had an abortion because I felt it was the right thing to do for the family, whilst knowing deep down it was the wrong thing to do for me. However I choose to ignore my feelings and went ahead with the termination at the end of January. I thought that I would be able to cope with my feelings after the abortion on my own, and that I would be able to 'get on' with my life. However I found that I couldn't. I felt I had to justify my decision and, because I couldn't, I felt I should suffer as a result as I was a bad person. I knew that I couldn't go on like that so I emailed one of the online advisers at CareConfidential and, after some support and encouragement, I contacted my local counsellor.
I was petrified when I went for my first session. I didn't know what to expect and was not convinced they/I could do anything to help me. However, my counsellor was fantastic. She was calm, non-judgemental and encouraging. We took things very slowly at first and talked about what The Journey would entail. Some sessions were easier than others.
I found the section on denial very hard as I had to come to terms with what I had given up, but other sessions were not as difficult. It was very hard at the beginning and there were times when I couldn't see how I could ever be happy again, but both my online advisor and my counsellor gave me support at every stage. It has not been an easy journey but I have learnt so much about myself and I now feel at a safe place, where I believe I am worthwhile. I still regret my decision to have a termination. I still miss and grieve for my unborn child, but I take responsibility for my decision, and accept it was a mistake. I have learnt to forgive myself and other people connected to my decision, and feel able to move forward with my life. I still have sad times but I no longer feel guilty, angry or have the need to justify my decision. I can't. It was wrong for me, but I have learnt to live with it and not allow that decision to dictate how I feel now. I would encourage anyone who feels that life will never be good again to contact a centre. I know it's hard but the support and help you will receive will help you. I will be forever grateful to the people who have supported me through this tough time.
Editor’s note: Thank you so much for writing in…we really appreciate the fact that you have taken the trouble to let us know about your journey. It will encourage others deeply and give them hope that recovery is possible.
You made a brave statement saying that you cannot justify the decision you made, and that it was wrong for you. It sounds as if you have learned a new way of relating to your termination, one that is honest and open, allowing you to be free at last from the crushing emotions that can surface afterwards. I want to affirm you again that you are a worthwhile person, just by being you, and now you can continue becoming more of who you are – changed, yes, but not diminished in any way. We wish you well.