I am 38, married and I have four children. Six weeks ago I had an abortion.

By anonymous on 21/05/2009
I am 38, married and I have four children. Six weeks ago I had an abortion. Not one day goes by that I don't regret my decision. I found out I was pregnant on the Monday and the following week I was in having a surgical abortion. I cried from the moment I arrived at the clinic to the time I was on the operating table getting anaesthetised. I did receive counselling at the clinic and they were so supportive and encouraging, saying I was doing the right thing. I was so sick with morning sickness and I couldn't think straight, but deep in my heart I wish I could have kept this baby.

I was so worried about what people would think too as we always receive negative comments about having four kids and what would everyone say when we had another. Also I had such a hard time with my other four pregnancies and tend to have very large babies that I was told I was not to have any more children as I would cause further damage to my uterus and bladder. I had a major prolapse of the bladder after my fourth. All of these problems were constantly going through my head. My husband was in total shock when we found out and didn't say much to me at all. He thought that terminating, though, was the right thing to do. And he is a lot older than me so didn't want to be a daddy in his late 50s taking his last to school.

I feel so guilty and wherever I go I see pregnant women my age; shows on TV are all about pregnancy, or termination, and this just sinks me deeper into depression. I am in such a lost place. I can't talk to anyone as it's done and my husband told me to move on and get over it. I can't help feeling the way I feel. I've made a terrible mistake.

Editor’s note: Thanks for writing in…The circumstances you were facing around your pregnancy were difficult ones – the physical complications, your husband’s age, and the power of what other people think. These swayed you to go against your deeper heart feelings about your pregnancy. If the counsellor at the clinic said to you that you were making the right decision, then it was not counselling, but merely an opinion designed to make you feel better about something that you didn’t really want to do.

Something within you knows you have made a made a mistake and this is why you feel guilty – you’ve crossed a line. Not knowing how to cope with it all, you have drawn a grey blanket of depression around yourself to try and ease the pain you feel. Termination is not something you can just move on from and get over – you need to face how you feel with support from someone who understands the issues surrounding crisis pregnancy and termination. There is hope for you despite your pain – get in touch with your nearest centre as soon as you can. We’ll be thinking of you.

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