I had an abortion three days ago. My second one. I had it despite all the previous depression I went through after the first one.
Five months ago I had my first abortion and I swore to death I will never allow myself to go through it again and if ever something like that happened - unwanted pregnancy - I’d rather give it for adoption. But, I couldn't. My heart tears apart, but I couldn't. My depression left me with a big hole inside my heart and I still need time to get back to my life. Being without a job, and with problems in every aspect, I was focusing on what next and my depression was getting less and less obvious. And just then somehow I found myself pregnant again. There was a difference. The first time I found out late and had the abortion at 14 weeks gestation.
This time I immediately did a pregnancy test when expecting my period that was late, I found myself sleeping during the afternoon. My periods are irregular but there is always the doubt now. The test was positive. I was shocked, I didn’t believe it with the result in my hands. I had no idea what to do. I am not in a stable relationship, no children yet. And I'm 27. After I calmed myself down, I started thinking. I could feel the panic like the first time and tried to avoid it. Somehow I was proud I discovered it so early and I can do it immediately, if an abortion, because it is so small.
I thought about adoption, abandoning the baby and giving it to the father, but I couldn't. Having a secret that big is not made for me. I am too sensitive and can attach. Once attached to the baby I would have ended up as a single mother. I gave up. I took responsibility in the sense to have it done before six weeks even. I was five weeks four days and the baby was so so small. As a tissue really. But things didn't go that smoothly. The pill was not available here, and they booked me for a surgical abortion on 18th of June. I would be exactly ten weeks then. I was devastated. I explained my history, depression, how important it was to be done as soon as possible, but nothing.
Through a friend I managed to find a date in another hospital for 10th of June. Everywhere else had only late dates. They said I was not an urgent case, being that early pregnant. But it took its toll. I ignored the fact that I was pregnant after seeing the embryo at seven weeks, still small. That was the last time I saw it. At nine weeks, on the day of the abortion, they didn't perform an ultrasound. I wonder, if I had seen it, what I would have done. I had no force to go back to the first abortion. It happened fast and painless. I hope there are no consequences for the future and my fertility.
Now I need to deal with the hormones and with the pain. I don't know if I made the right choice. It was not at the six weeks stage that I wanted for the abortion. What would have caused more pain? This or giving the baby away??? I thought abandoning a child at my age in a secret way would have taken a bigger price. And I went, again. I swore never again, but the never happened to be not true. I am not sexually involved anymore. I feel a need to be alone, to live somehow and to let it pass. I have strange feelings when I think of 'my' children. I don't want to have any now. Has this revenged so badly on me? I even think about sterilization. I really feel I don't want to be pregnant because I will always be reminded of these two cases. It is sad that as a woman I feel mature and thinking of motherhood now (not before). I feel irritable, nervous, incapable, unacceptable, not me. I'll stay alone. Thank you for listening to my story. I am not saying I regret it or not. Both ways I had to choose seemed bad - adoption or abortion - regarding my depression. But I feel trapped, alone, selfish and yet thankful. But I don't feel I want children anymore, I am jealous of other women that have them, of couples than love them, of mothers that give birth. I am not what I used to be for sure!
Editor’s note: Thank you for telling your story…You were clearly in two minds about having an abortion. A big part of you wanted to give the child life and place it for adoption. Adoption can be a positive choice, giving the child a life that you are unable to give, but it does mean you feel the pain of loss, sadness, emptiness and grief to make that happen. However, abortion often creates those feelings too. And this is what you are feeling, made worse by feelings of guilt and shame and loneliness.
I don’t know where you are writing from, whether abroad or from the UK, but it would help you to find some support. You can use Online Advisor or ring the helpline to see if you are near a centre that can offer you post-abortion support. If you are abroad, you can possibly be put in touch with a centre in your country. If you are in the UK, there is probably a centre near you where you can find compassionate, caring and confidential help from someone who understands. Just get in touch as soon as you can. There is hope. We’ll be thinking of you.