I had a horrible experience with my first and only abortion.
I had a horrible experience with my first and only abortion. I was 19 years old and had been in a terrible car accident which left my arm broken around my elbow. I was in a full arm cast and about a month went by and my boyfriend and I were feeling unfulfilled, to say the least. So we had protected sex in a way that was comfortable for me in my condition. A few weeks later, at my doctor’s appointment for my arm, he noticed my arm wasn't healing very much which didn't seem too strange to him or me so he just upped my calcium dosage. I then began to feel very sick a lot of the time and got a terrible cold. I was told it was because my immune system was going haywire because of my arm, but I had suspicions. On a whim, I took a pregnancy test at a friend's house and it was positive. I wasn't even nervous about taking it because I thought FOR SURE it was going to be negative. I very shocked but very happy.
I very very hesitantly told my mom, who told me if I didn't have an abortion she was going kick me out. She was not going to help me financially, and that I would be immature to have a baby right now. Despite what she said, I wanted to keep the baby anyways and so did my boyfriend so I planned everything out so I could still stay in college and we would have our own place.
Then I went to my next doctor's appointment and told him what was happening. He said I needed to have an abortion or my arm would never fully heal and the baby was robbing my calcium. I also went to my gynaecologist who also pressured me to have an abortion. So with the pressure from my mother and my doctors, I drove all the way to the nearest clinic, which is about an hour away from me. They told me it was too early to perform an abortion and sent me home, which only made things worse to have to wait another week. I went back a week later, and sat in a waiting room with crying women for about two hours. They did an ultrasound and I saw my baby.
The staff were all very rude and cold to me. When the procedure was done, they let me sit down in a room with a bunch of other women and I bawled my eyes out all the way home. But as my doctor predicted, my arm began to heal immediately after the abortion. I hate that I did this. I hate myself and I hate my mother for pressuring me. I hate my doctors. I have become a hateful, regretful, and spiteful person. It's been almost two years and it still feels like yesterday. I don't know if I will ever get over it.
Editor’s note: Thank you for sharing your story…The three main responses to abortion are guilt, grief and anger. Your feelings seem to be a combination of all three, involving contempt for yourself and for others who pressurised you. Two years is a long time to be carrying the heavy burden of those emotions, so now it’s time to give yourself a bit of care and attention. You can find your nearest centre and make an appointment for some post-abortion support using the Journey recovery programme, which looks at all three of these emotions and gives you safe place to explore, express and resolve them. It’s time to come out of your prison of pain and find healing so that you can be the person you’re meant to be. Do get in touch; we’ll be thinking of you.