I had never wanted to get rid of my baby; my boyfriend of two years forced me into it.

By anonymous on 30/08/2009
I’m 21 and had an abortion two weeks ago. I had never wanted to get rid of my baby; my boyfriend of two years forced me into it. When we first found out I was pregnant he seemed supportive and we even talked about names. When I had my scan and saw my baby on the screen sucking its thumb, I was ecstatic. Then a few weeks later, once I was already excited and happy about having a baby, he completely changed and told me he'd leave me if I kept the baby. It was completely out of the blue; I was hysterical and begged him not to make me do it but he was insistent and eventually I agreed. I couldn’t see myself being a single mum and was scared of my boyfriend leaving me.

I had to have a surgical procedure. I cried the whole way into theatre and as I was being put to sleep I desperately wanted to just get up and run out but it was too late. I woke up and prayed that somehow it hadn’t happened, but it had. My boyfriend didn’t seem to be bothered by any of it at all. For the first day or two, I was completely numb. I was in a daze and hardly spoke, then the crying started and it still hasn’t stopped. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, I feel so much anger towards my boyfriend who doesn’t seem to care how upset this has made me and I don’t see how I will ever get over this. I sit awake in tears every night, holding my scan picture, hating myself for what I’ve done to my baby.

I don’t know how I will ever go back to work. I am a nursery nurse and look after babies aged 3 months old to 2 years old and I don’t feel I can go to work looking after babies when I made the decision not to look after my own. I can’t even look at a picture of a baby without crying. I have nightmares if I do manage to sleep and can hardly even bring myself to leave my bedroom, let alone the house. I don’t see how i am ever going to feel better about this. I feel like my heart is literally breaking and that the tears will never ever stop.

Editor’s note: Thanks for sharing your story… the pain you feel is the result of going against your deepest desire to keep your baby. You bonded with your baby and then you had to break that bond under pressure from your boyfriend. You were under pressure to make the choice between the pregnancy and your relationship, something quite damaging given the degree to which you welcomed your pregnancy.

Guilt, anger and grief after an abortion are common emotions, especially when the abortion is unwanted. It would help you to contact your nearest centre or use Online Advisor to speak to someone about your experience and begin to unravel and resolve the emotions you feel. There is hope for you, although it may not feel like it. We’ll be thinking of you.

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