he kept saying things like "what do you want to do?" making it sound like I really had a choice. I of course did have a choice.By anonymous on 20/10/2009
I had been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years (I'm 28, he's 26), we just moved into a house (it even had 2 extra bedrooms),and he had a pretty good job. I however did not have a job, and I never did in our whole 3 years of being together. At the beginning of our relationship I was still finishing up classes, then I did apply for jobs, got some interviews, but no jobs. I was partly almost content to not have a job - to just take care of our place, cook, clean, be with my boyfriend,and our families and friends occasionally. I have always been a shy person, and this has made it so hard for me to get a job. At first me having no job did not seem to bother my boyfriend, but then lately it really seemed to a lot. We fought constantly, about money, and then about everything.
But, I always still had hope for our relationship and always preferred to work things out instead of just abandon a 3 year old relationship that started out so great when we had so much in common. Anyway, in May I found out I was pregnant. Before this I had been on birth control for 3 months, because I wanted to see if it would help my acne. Then I was off birth control for 3 months and that is when it happened.
Last year my boyfriend had basically said that there was something wrong with my body, because I had acne, (and he pointed out some facial hair, but I'm pretty sure all women have this) and he thought my body was not capable of becoming pregnant. I took that as a huge insult, and as him thinking I wasn't very feminine, or something. Maybe subconsciously I wanted to prove him wrong or something, but obviously the pregnancy was caused by both of us, not just me.
Also, last year his sister got pregnant 2 times from 2 different guys, and he treated her great. She was 20 years old, not married, hadn't had much college, no job. But he was nice to her then, and I had hoped he would be as nice to me if that were to ever happen to me. I told my boyfriend I was pregnant - I didn't even use that word, he asked what the test said, I said "it said...I am" It was hard to say. I got no reaction out of him at all.
It was so weird. He has been all into this weird philosophy lately, Objectivism, where they basically think humans should have no emotions. He told me on the same night that I found out I was pregnant, that he thought I should get an abortion. It's like he had been waiting for this moment, to use his Objectivism in a real-life situation or something. I was crying, sitting at the computer, looking up where I could get an abortion, and he was yelling at me, saying I was giving into emotions.
He made sure to say everything correctly, of course, he kept saying things like "what do you want to do?" making it sound like I really had a choice. I of course did have a choice. But, I know that before this happened, I thought if I were to ever have a baby, that it would be with someone, and not all by myself. Not to mention the fact that I did not even have a job. So really, my decision had to be largely based on what his decision, or opinion was.
I did not make an appointment that night, like my boyfriend wanted me to, then he wanted me to the next day, and I didn't, but I did the day after that. I've thought about this sooo much in the 5 months since it happened. I've tried to think of why it was so hard for me, and such an awful experience.
One of the main things is just that it was hard to see how right away my boyfriend wanted me to have an abortion - he didn't even think of the wonderful possibility of having a baby together. I thought it was cool that I was experiencing some of the pregnancy symptoms, and I knew if I would have a baby I'd try to be as healthy as possible for them - give up caffeine, and of course alcohol, and crochet them a baby blanket, and sew a Christmas stocking for them.
I knew any baby between us could have blue or brown eyes because I'm bb and he is Bb. It made me really sad that my boyfriend wanted nothing to do with any of this, even though we had been together for 3 years, and so many other couples have survived an unplanned pregnancy, by getting married, or not even that, and just having the baby (my brother, for one, and my boyfriend's mom - twice).
It also made me sad, because I told my sister I was pregnant, and she said it was exciting. That was exactly what I did not want to hear. It was after I had basically made the decision to have the abortion, I was just looking for support at how I was sad that I had to find out my boyfriend did not want to have a baby with me, by actually becoming pregnant and going through this.
Also, of course, it is hard to deal with, because I can't talk to just anyone about it, because who knows how they could feel. They could think I'm the worst person in the world for doing this now. It's so weird because I never thought I'd ever go through getting an abortion, but now I have and I will always have it in my memory that this is what happened to me the first time I got pregnant. I think I will be sad around January, when it would have been born I think, around my 29th birthday, and next May, 1 year after I found out I was pregnant and had the abortion. Also, it is hard because the one person who would really know how I felt, who I could possibly talk to about this, was my boyfriend. And he broke up with me (in an email) less than 2 months after the abortion. After we were together 3 years. The abortion and break-up have certainly been on my mind all the time lately, and I feel very alone. Sometimes I get scared wondering if I can even ever have a baby in the future, or if I will just be haunted by this experience for the rest of my life. I also hope I can have a healthy relationship with someone new, but I don't get why after 3 years, my boyfriend did not want to work things out, and just take me out of his life completely instead.
This relationship was obviously very important to you, after commiting yourself to your boyfriend for 3 years. You sound angry and confused by his response to you and the pregnancy, and it has been incredibly hurtful for you to have the relationship ended by email so soon after the abortion. You felt powerless at the time of the abortion as though you had to agree with his decision, and that is a dangerous place to be. Feeling a victim of your cicumstances, and pressurised into the decision has left you feeling regret and fearful.
I think it would help you to have some post abrtion support and I would encourage you to access this through the website centres or the national helpline.
It is important that you are able to move on from this experience before you start a new relationship.