I had an abortion over four years ago now and I have regretted it every day since then.

By anonymous on 27/10/2009
I had an abortion over four years ago now and I have regretted it every day since then. I thought it was the right decision for me and my partner as I was so young and he was unemployed. Afterwards, I was constantly suicidal for over two years. I turned to alcohol and cocaine, and developed an addiction to diazepam. But then I found out I was pregnant again with my husband’s baby and managed to stop all my addictions for the sake of my baby. Things were going well. But when she was born, I couldn’t even look at her without feeling guilty. It still affects me now, and she is 9 months old. I can’t believe what I have done. I am so close to going back to all my addictions but I know I can’t for the sake of my baby. What makes it worse is the baby that I aborted was also my husband’s so now I think how come only four years has made such a difference? Why did I think I couldn’t look after a baby then - what makes things so different now? I just wish I had thought about my decision more at the time, as now I am paying the consequences.

Editor’s note:
Thanks for writing in - you are not alone in this. Your experience appears to have deeply affected you.. Decisions to have an abortion are often based on circumstances at the time – when abortion seems like the most logical option. Unfortunately, in a moment of crisis we can make decisions we later regret - often the reality of the situation only sinks in afterwards.

It does not sound like your doubts about the decision were too far from the surface, as you reacted very quickly and strongly to the emotional pain you felt. It seems like your head was saying one thing..but your heart was saying another. I would strongly recommend that you speak to someone about your continuing emotional pain and regrets – it appears to be affecting you deeply. Call our helpline on 0300 4000 999, or visit your nearest centre. Our advisors are experienced and will be able to help you.

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