I had a medical termination of pregnancy (TOP) 2 days ago at 9 weeks. It was the hardest decision I have ever made, but I felt I had no choice.

By anonymous on 30/10/2009
I had a medical termination of pregnancy (TOP) 2 days ago at 9 weeks. It was the hardest decision I have ever made, but I felt I had no choice.
I split up with my husband in May 09, who I have 3 children with ( 4, 6 and 10 ). I have been with my present partner since July, and fell pregant within 6 weeks....he never pushed me to make a decision, but he was always honest about not wanting a child, at this moment, and he wasn't even sure about us as a relationship.
I didn't base my decison on this, if it was just me, I know that I would have had the baby. I did it because of my children. They have had a bad time adapting to the separation, and I couldn't disrupt them any more. Their father was unwell with depression for the past year and has just started getting better and building a relationship with his children. I know if he found out that I was pregnant he would sink into depression again, and in turn this would effect the children.
I don't feel I can cope, I am crying on and off all day, and when I'm not upset I feel numb. I dont feel anyone cares ( no-one knew about the pregnancy except me and my partner ) so I cant talk to anyone.
All my friends and family are all against abortion, I just feel all I have done is lie.....and I look at my children and think how could I have destroyed my baby.......I know if I had of continued with the pregnancy that I wouldn't have coped bringing up a baby on my own.....but I can't seem to shake the feelings of guilt and sadness.

Editor's Comment:

This decision has been very hard for you as you have felt very isolated and alone,locked into secrecy, and with no security in your new relationship.
Your feelings of sadness and regret are not uncommon following TOP, especially when you struggled with your decision, and would have wanted to keep the pregnancy if it had just been your decision.
I wonder how you felt about abortion before you had this unplanned pregnancy? if your family and friends are again abortion those may also have been your values and instincts. Sometimes when we feel trapped and go against are natural feelings it is harder to come to terms with afterwards.
I think it would help you to see an advisor for post-abortion support and try to work through some of these difficult emotions.
If you ring the national helpline 0300 4000 999 you can speak with someone who will try to get you in touch with a post-abortion counsellor.
Or you could check the web site and see if there is a centre that offers post-abortion support near to you.

Other stories...

Story categories

Tell your story

The information submitted in the stories section is generated solely by the public.

Would you like to tell other people about your experiences?