My family had no idea,and in my society it's unacceptable,and if I told them they would disown me. I knew it,and I was devastated.

By anonymous on 16/11/2009
I had a medical abortion exactly one month back. I was only 4 weeks pregnant, but I could still feel all the symptoms like nausea,bloated stomach,even to the extend of morning sickness,which made me positive even before taking the test!
The day I took the test,my whole world became numb when I saw two positive lines on the tester! I have been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years now,and things were really good between us. When I saw the test all I could do was cry and cry. My family had no idea,and in my society it's unacceptable,and if I told them they would disown me. I knew it,and I was devastated.
My boyfriend wanted me to run away with him and start our own lives. I knew I couldn't raise or even give birth to the baby on my own! I searched every possible option on the internet,read about medical abortion,and found out about nearby clinics. My boyfriend lives in another town so he got the next flight to my city,and had planned to take me away with him.
I told my sister and she also advised me to go for an abortion. The next day, after a lot of fights with my guy and forcing him to take me, I went and took my first pill,ie. on Saturday. I was called again on Monday for the second dose.I had no after effects from the first pill but I was very nervous when I went for the second. After the nurse inserted the pill immediately after 10-15 mins I started getting diarrhoea-like cramps, which were very intense and I felt black outs. I don't exactly remember much for the next 15 mins,but then I got better I went to my boyfriend's place,and immediately got severe fever.. after 2 hours my bleeding started. My boyfriend kept massaging my legs and muscles which was a relief really!
After that night I came back home like nothing happened, and told Mum it was just pms pain. I saw a very tiny embryo had come out,which I wasn't sure what it was at that time.. soon after that my boyfriend started blaming me that I was a murderer of his child and that I killed it.
I was already going through a tough emotional time, as images kept coming to my mind, of what a lie I was living! At the same time my boyfriend started having doubts about whether I even loved him and asked me to either run away with him or that he would leave me. We were apart for 2 weeks,got back together but things have never been the same! I never thought this would happen or it was that big a deal, but my life has compeltely changed. I'm going through extremes of depression! anxiety! I have lost my appetite and can't sleep!and lost my ability to concentrate. I can just see a blurry future when I think of it as I really can't live without the man I loved so much. Now he thinks I'm a murderer, and I have lost my own child, which I never wanted to do! I feel I am a liar when I face my family! Life has gotton way out of my level to cope with, and now I should be getting my pms any day, which I can feel a little cramps, but I'm even nervous about that as I don't know when I should get them. I just let my boyfriend have sex with me once after the abortion and now I keep getting fears that what if I'm pregnant again.Its only been a month and 3 days since my second pill and when my bleeding started. If anyone has gone through it can they tell me how long it takes for the next pms? I keep getting scared in case I'm pregnant again, and the fear of going through all this alone again is making me go deeper into depression!

Editor's Comment:-

You must have felt very torn between how your family would react and your boyfriend longing for you to leave your family behind and start a new life with the baby.
Your boyfriend has said some very strong things about murdering his baby and it is hard for you to come to terms with such intense emotions. It sounds as though you have been very hurt, and feel guilty and very sad with what has happened. The fact that you have had to hide all this from your family and pretend that nothing has happened must be agonising. They are the ones you would naturally look to for support and comfort and you are isolated from them in this experience.
It sounds as though you are very low and although it will be hard for you, I think you do need to get help. You may need medical help to get you out of your depression, and counselling to try and come to terms with what you have been through. Please ring the national helpline 0300 4000 999 for help and support. It is completely confidential.
It is possible to get pregnant quite soon after an abortion and you should have a pregnancy test done to check this. It is also important to get some longterm contraception so that you are not put in such a difficult situation again.
You can get this from a local family planning clinic.

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