I felt like a clock was ticking on my womb.
I recently had an abortion. It was the hardest decision I have ever had to make. It was unplanned. It was a guy I have known for almost a decade,and we were friends and later on lovers from time to time. He did not take joyfully to the news. His reaction wasn't surprising; he has a selfish personality trait. His first suggestion was to abort. I didn't want to just jump on the abortion train, I just hated the thought of terminating my child's life. It pains me to type the word child now.
He was sure to be nonexsistent for the pregnancy. I just could not bear doing it all alone and dealing with the drama after the smoke settled. I decided I would have the abortion.
I went for the counsel "24 hour waiting period". I was scheduled for the procedure the next day. I drove an hour & a half to the clinic, my heart ached. I had a friend meet me to drive me there. We talked for a bit and I said I just could not do it.
By the way, the father involved did not want to go and did not follow through with giving me half of the financial support. I left that morning settled half hearted on having the baby. I cut all communication with the guy shortly after discovering the pregnancy because I hated his "lets just take care of this and be done with it".
Days went by and my heart was in agony. I finally decided I just could not go through with the pregnancy and called the clinic and rescheduled another appointment. I felt like a clock was ticking on my womb. I didn't want to get too far in the pregnancy.
I have a young child and it pained me to have the abortion. Maybe if I had never felt a child grow inside of me it would have been easier. I went to the clinic and after 4 hours I left an unpregnant woman. I feel so empty. I feel so sad to know my innocent child was ripped from my womb and suctioned away like dirt. I will never forgive myself. I think of my womb as a grave yard now. Maybe I should have set aside my selfish human reservations & fears and had the baby... it's too late now for regrets I just have to deal with it. I'm almost 35 years old and my reproductive clock is almost dead. It's too late for regrets... I will tell my unborn child I'm so sorry for the rest of my life.
I am so sorry you are living with such pain and regret. You have written some very strong feelings about the abortion, and it was obviously an agonising decision for you. You changed your mind twice which indicates how uncertain you were about your decision. Your comments about your unborn child also indicate how much you valued that life, and you felt that the father dismissed it as a problem to be taken care of.
There seems to have been a battle going on between your fears and how you would cope, and your heart longings, and those longings are now surfacing.
There is a very good programme called 'The Journey' that would help you to work through some of these painful feelings. If you would like help please ring the helpline 0300 4000 999 or look at the web site for a centre that offers post abortion support.