I found out I was pregnant using a HPT on a Monday, but even before that I knew.
Thanks for sharing your story with us.. You have been through quite a journey already. Abortion seemed like the most logical option for you and your boyfriend, given your circumstances, and yes, often we make decisions based on our circumstances. However, it doesn't appear to have been an easy road for you to take. Perhaps the confusion is to do with how you expected to feel and what you are actually feeling at the moment, not completely matching up. I think you are right in saying that you have dissociated yourself in a way from what happened. Physically, you also had a rough time, but this dissociation may be partly a coping reaction as you are coming to terms with events and making sense of them. You aren't feeling how you expected to feel, but often we manage by putting coping mechanisms in place and it is only later that we allow other deeper feelings to emerge and surface. It sounds like some of your feelings about what you went through are beginning to come to the surface, and it may be useful for you to have the opportunity to speak to someone about how you are feeling rather than trying to work through things on your own.
I think you may be in the USA, Optionline is a helpline you can call. Call 1-800-395-4357 or send an e-mail to firstname.lastname@example.org. They should be able to direct you towards post-abortion support.