I've had trouble getting over my grief and what I now think of as my depression.
By anonymous on 26/11/2009I wrote earlier this year to talk about my abortion which happened on 16th May. What would have been my due date, the 3rd December, is coming up and every time I see it coming up on my calendar I want to burst into tears.
I've had trouble getting over my grief and what I now think of as my depression. I have tried to speak to my boyfriend about what happened but he can't seem to understand why I can't just put it behind me and move on. I also feel resentment from him, as he feels I blame him for what happened, which I suppose is true, but I mainly blame myself for going along with the abortion and not standing up for myself.
My depression is starting to affect me in everyway, I can't settle into my work and I can't stand to watch adverts with babies in them. I get angry very easily over the most stupid things or I start crying for what feels like no reason. Sometimes when I think I'm feeling okay, something will pop into my head and I can't function.
Recently I went past my old church and I started to think about whether the baby could have felt anything and would it blame me or whether the anaesthetic would have knocked it out at the same time as me. These thoughts will stay with me for days and stop me from sleeping. I have started taking anti-depressants, but at the moment I don't think they've helped,and my doctor doesn't seem to want to do anything else. Even as I write this I'm in tears, but I need to try and get this out of my head or I feel like I'll explode.
It sounds as though you are suffering from post-abortion stress, which some people think is a bit like post traumatic stress. Some of the things you mention like depression, anger, tears and avoiding reminders are all part of that and I think it would really help you to have some post-abortion counselling. There is a programme called'The Journey' which is designed for people like you who are struggling to move past your experience, and feel stuck.
Writing down your feelings does help, and it is good to identify the due date as a major milestone. Maybe you could do something significant to help you through that day such as choosing something in remembrance. The anti depressants should help you, but they usually take 4 to 6 weeks to really start working.
Please seek help through the website helpline or online advisor service as I am sure you would benefit from this support.