I am desperate to get back to normal after my abortion, but I just don't know how.

By anonymous on 01/12/2009
I am desperate to get back to normal after my abortion, but I just don't know how.
I had my abortion on 11th May, and my baby would have been due a few weeks from now. I found out a few years ago I have the breast cancer gene, which coupled with several nightmare relationships put me off the idea of having children. I'm very much in love with my fiancee, and we're getting married in March. But I found out I was pregnant as we were going through the process of buying our first flat, and panicked. Thought we couldn't afford it, we weren't ready. With hindsight I can see we would have managed, and been so very happy. But ever since I've been crying every day. I went to the doc, who has given me antidepressants but they haven't helped at all. I haven't been able to sleep with my fiancee for months, because when he holds me and I feel his heart beat and his breath and warmth, I just think of his wee baby which I killed and I feel like sobbing hysterically.
I tried counselling, which just made me realise that part of the reason I've sunk into depression is because my mum has cancer again and I'm so scared of losing her before I have my first child. I need her. My doc is referring me for therapy, but I just don't believe it can help. People keep saying I need to forgive myself to move on, but how is that possible? Can I get better? I need help and don't know what to do.

Editor's Comment:-

Your story sounds very sad. Sometimes we panic and make a decision like this because things feel out of control.
Unplanned pregnancy often feels like an enormous problem at the time, but then as you say you looked back and thought about how you could have coped and this can bring regrets.
I do believe there is a way through your pain and grief, and that you can come to a place of peace and acceptance for what has happened. The scar will always be there but hopefully it won't always hurt. I hope that the therapy your doctor has refered you for will help. You may have gone through 'The Journey' programme already, but sometimes it helps to do this again or join a post abortion group to get support from others who have been through this difficulty. Please contact the helpline if you would like to speak to an advisor, or get some more help.

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