I was 12 weeks 1 day pregnant when I had my termination... I cry everydayBy anonymous on 03/01/2010
I was 12 weeks 1 day pregnant when I had my termination... I cry everyday, I feel numb, confused, guilty, resentful (of the boyfriend) and just generally depressed. My partner made it very clear from the day of the test result that he did not want me to have the baby and that we would probably end up splitting up if I kept it. He had all the sensible reasons for not keeping it. We are young, living together with his parents, he doesn't have a steady income/reliable job etc, but in my heart I really wanted to keep my baby, I fell in love with it. I'll never forget the day I went for my dating scan and I saw its little heartbeat and the baby wriggling around. I thought I would be ok with my boyfriend afterwards because ultimately it was my decision to go ahead with the termination. I'm finding it so hard at the moment to stop thinking about the things he said to me while I was making my decision - it was definitely a lot of pressure I didn't need. Now I'm not sure whether I can carry on with him the way I feel at the moment. What makes it worse now is that I feel like I really want a baby again - I don't know if it's the guilt I feel for doing what I did, or it's the love I felt for the baby I had. I really am struggling to fight back tears as I write this - it's all I seem to do, I can't see pregnant women or women with young babies without crying. It's really getting me down. I wish I hadn't gone through with it as I know I could have coped alone. Deep down I think I know it was the right decision in terms of the person I am with right now, but it doesn't make me feel any less guilty or want a baby any less. I feel so numb.
I am so sorry you are so distressed after your termination. It sounds as though you were under a lot of pressure to choose that option and perhaps you did not have the time and space to think about your decision, and what the baby meant to you. Seeing the image on a scan makes it hard to stop thinking about it because you always have that picture in your mind. Men often think very rationally about a decision like this, whereas women may be more in touch with their heart, and what their instincts, or values are telling them.
I think when you feel strong enough it would help you to talk to a post-abortion advisor and get some help and support. A lot of the things you describe are common in post-abortion stress, and I think you are already going through a grieving time for what you have lost. Do contact the helpline or a centre in your area. There are advisors who can help you.