I already had 3 children at eighteen with my partner a verbally abusive man but good father to my kidsBy anonymous on 05/01/2010
I found out I was pregnant at 3 weeks and 6 days (1 day before my period was actually due!) - I already had 3 children at eighteen with my partner a verbally abusive man but good father to my kids - he was quite a few years older than me. In between his rages and abuse and negligence to me I slept with another man that I thought had my best interests at heart. He would listen to me and make me smile. I saw him for over two months but one day the condom split and stupidly I thought I knew my cycle and would be ok, but little did I know. So not only was I still living with my kids' dad but now I was faced with an unplanned pregnancy with another man. I told the man and he was very adamant I should abort and ASAP as 'he didn't want no kid!' Plus I knew although I was in a horrible relationship with my kids' dad- I couldn't risk jeopodising my kids' life - by him leaving me and the kids (because he definately would of). I was a student and was just getting by with looking after three kids under 5. The youngest just over nine months old at the time! I got booked in for the termination a week later so that would be 5 weeks and 1 day - but to my upset they couldn't see the sack that early. They said it was best to do it when they could see it as I was early enough for them to miss it completely when doing the procedure. I opted for a general anaesthetic as I didn't want to see, hear or feel a thing , I was very against abortions before this horrific situation happened to me (which I entirely blame myself for). It was the hardest decision ever being maternal with kids at home and working with kids in a work placement - to go on and do this! But I went back at 6 weeks and 1 day and got it done that morning. I arrived, had the scan and urine sample done, discussed after-care contraception and decided on the mini pill as I get migraines and found the injection made me bleed constantly after the birth of my last child. I saw the scan and there was a tiny bean at the bottom of the sack,and I stupidly have a picture of it. My mum looked after the scan picture for me and I haven't looked at it since. My due date would have been June 29th 2009. Something that will haunt me for the rest of my life if I don't get a grip on reality.
The anaesthetic was over with fast and I came round within minutes.It was all over. I wasn't even bleeding and just had mild period pain. I didn't bleed for 2-3 weeks and only had a light pink discharge. I was beginning to think I was still pregnant as the nurses warned me I was so early they could have missed it, but then again they said this to all the women who had an abortion at 5-7 weeks!
Well I got my period back this month - 4-6 weeks after abortion and it was very heavy and gave me back pain. It was horrible as it reminded me of what I'd done and that if I'd kept the embryo I would be nearly 15 weeks now. I havn't spoken to that man since and the children's dad and I are working on our future. Although I never told him about the abortion I did tell him I'd had intercourse with someone else. He realised he could not treat me the way he did and has been better although there is massive room for improvement. I cry when I think of my child up in Heaven and one day when the time is right I would like that spirit to come back in the form of another child so I can love it and cherish it, just like I do with his or her brothers and sisters. I have also had disturbing dreams like being pregnant and finding out I was having a girl and its awful waking up to it not being reality. I know I made the correct decision for the time, but I have so much guilt for the child I chose to abort. I do miss it and wished it had happened at different point in my life when I could have kept it. I feel as though I will be punished because I had the abortion, that I could be infertile, or have miscarriages because I was viewed as bad by God that I'd aborted this baby. I live with sadness over the decision, but know my child did not deserve to be placed on this earth with the father it had at that time. Every Tuesday will be hard (I would have been a week closer on that day) and I can't even bare thinking about the due date. I just hope with Care Confidential I can come to terms with it all.
Your relationships have been very difficult, and you have been under a lot of pressure from your steady partner as well as the man you had an affair with. It sounds as though neither has valued or cared for you properly, and an unplanned pregnancy on top of that must have been hard for you to handle. You already felt something for the embryo because you have kept a scan picture, and you mentioned your longing to love and cherish it.
Your feeling that you will be punished is very common after abortion, and often covers up feelings of guilt and shame about the event. I think it would help you to have post abortion counselling to work through some of these thoughts and emotions, particularly as you are having disturbing dreams. Please call the helpline or contact a local centre for support.