The decision is so hard isn't it? For anyone scared about an early medical abortion, I hope this helps

By anonymous on 05/01/2010
medical abortion bpas

I'm writing to help anyone who is considering having an early medical abortion and is scared. I was exactly the same as you. The decision is so hard, isn't it? but I thought it through so carefully because I had to be absolutely sure it was the right thing for me and everyone concerned.

From start to finish the process of being referred and actually having the "procedure" was around 2 weeks, and I think they make it that long so that you can be sure you're doing what's right for you. I know it's an awful lot of pressure to be under, but once it's done it's done and you do have to live with it. I'm not going to lie, it is very emotionally draining.

Anyway, to the point of this post, I first found out I was pregnant when my doctor asked me if I wanted to try a new diet pill and of course I said 'yes'. Going through the routine questions "are you pregnant?" came up, and I instantly said 'no', but then I thought 'am I'? and I did a test and I was.

I had an ectopic pregnancy when I was 19, lost a fallopian tube, and was told I was 50 per cent less likely to conceive than Mrs Average and then at 21 I had my son. Now at 23, I was pregnant again...

I was totally stuck with my decision but after talking it through with my partner of 5 years, and my parents, I'm convinced I made the right decision. So off to the docs who referred me to an amazing organisation called BPAS who booked me in for a scan the next day.

I didn't feel intimidated or judged at all and the room was so homely you might forget what you went for. I had my scan and saw what would be my baby on the screen and I didn't feel the way I felt about my son. I felt somehow detached from it, which I guess clarified for me in my head that I was doing the right thing. If I did have any doubt, "my procedure" as they put it, was booked for the following Thurs and the day of the scan was Tues.

I had to be at the clinic in Liverpool for 8.40 and was met with a full waiting room. It was so weird to think about what happens behind the doors of those clinics.

I was called into the room, rescanned, and then sat down to take the first tablet. I couldn't pick it up, it was so hard actually putting it in my mouth and swallowing. I saw my son in my head.

After a teary conversation with the nurse, she asked me what my reasons were. I told her I wanted to concentrate on my son and I wanted to finish my law degree, and both reasons were still valid, I just needed reminding.

I walked back to the waiting room to get my partner and burst into tears. I knew what I had done and there was no going back now. I had to wait until 3.30pm to go back for the other 4 tablets and because I was driving we went into a nearby town for some food and did some Xmas shopping.

I kept forgetting why I was there and then remembering. It's accurate for me to say that the day was a rollercoaster of emotions for me. I went back and the nurse gave me the tablets and a glove and told me to insert them vaginally as far as they would go. I had to drive 40 minutes back to my house so I didn't do it there. I said I had but I put them in my pocket to take them home.

When I got home I inserted the tablets at 5 pm, and by 7 pm I was bleeding. Even though I was prepared for what I was doing I was still shocked and shaken by the sight of the blood when it started. I had progressive pains for a further 3 hours and then I passed the pregnancy. It didn't go into the toilet but came out in my pad, and I saw it. It broke my heart.

The pains suddenly stopped after that and now two days later I'm still bleeding but not really having any pain.

I don't regret what I did, just wish circumstances were different, but I don't doubt that I and my partner will add to our family in the future.

I hope this helps someone reading this as much as it's helped me writing it x

Editor's comment

Thank you for describing your experience, and giving people some insight into the physical and emotional effect of going through a medical abortion. It was obviously a very emotional time for you. It's important to understand exactly what the procedure involves, although for each person their reaction may be different. I'm glad you found BPAS caring and supportive. It's good that they gave you time and space to think through your decision and be sure about it.

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