I finally plucked up the courage to do a pregnancy test.
On the way to the abortion clinicA week later I was in the car on the way to the clinic. I felt sick. The woman next to me was my Mum and I hated her for making me do something I didn't want to do. I was too shy to stand up for myself. When I arrived I was crying. I looked around and there were a few other people there who looked confident. These were clearly people who had made their own decision and then there was me. I was finally called into a room where I had a scan. I was 11 weeks and 5 days. The nurse didn't say much but I guess she was used to it day in, day out. She printed my scan and shoved it in an envelope. I wanted to cry out loud and tell her it wasn't what I wanted, but everything was so quick and before I knew it I was lying on a operating table. The next thing I remember was waking up but it took a while to come round. I was taken into a recovery room I sat and cried for my baby to come back. I was walked down the stairs towards the exit when I saw her face. She didn't comfort me she didn't say a word. When we got in the car she just started chatting like nothing had happened. The anaesthetic still hadn't worn off. I screamed at her and punched her over and over but she just carried on like normal after that. That night I held on to my boyfriend so tight he was the closest thing I had. A month passed I was crying myself to sleep. Everytime I saw a baby or a pregnant women I cried and felt like I couldn't breathe. It was as if a huge part of my heart had been ripped out and stomped on. I kept crying for my baby, for it to be safe. I wanted to explain everything, to say sorry. I wanted to hold my baby and the hardest part of it was knowing I never could. I felt so guilty and selfish. As much as I blamed my mother deep down I knew it was down to me and so does everyone else reading this. I was the one who let these strangers take my baby away from me. I still can't hold a baby. I don't think I'll ever have children. I was given the chance and I blew it. Even if I did no matter how many kids I have I could never replace the one that I sacrificed to please someone else. No matter what anyway says abortion is your choice no one else's. You're probably thinking I'm a hypocrite, but in life you do the test before the lesson. To this day I regret my choice and would do anything to turn back time. Editor's Comment:- Your story is a very sad one. At 16 you were probably influenced by your Mum's reaction and what she told you to do. Perhaps you felt it would be hard to manage without her support. You seemed unable to give voice to your true feelings and longings, and often once the abortion process is in motion it feels impossible to stop it, even if you want to. Your sadness and regret is still very strong even after a few months, and I think you would be helped by speaking to an advisor who can give you post abortion support. I think you are right that some of the responsibility lies with you, but your Mum also has some responsibility because of her reaction, and the pressure she put you under. I do believe there is a way through this for you so please ask for help on 0300 4000 999, or Online Advisor on the web site.
This story was sent in on 27/01/2010