I finally plucked up the courage to do a pregnancy test.

By anonymous on 27/01/2010
My periods have always been irregular but on the 13th October I finally plucked up the courage to do a pregnancy test. I knew in the back of my mind that there was a possibility I could be pregnant. At the time me and my boyfriend had been together for just over 11 months. I was 16 he was 20. We didn't use protection and never tried to prevent getting pregnant either, which was selfish. I did the test and I have never endured a longer two minutes than I did that day. I felt so confused I cried. I didn't know whether it was tears of joy or sadness. I was scared, happy, and strangely shocked at the same time. My boyfriend and I were so happy. We started thinking about names and how our little baby would look. I never got to fulfil that happiness. It was 2 weeks later that I finally decided to tell my Mum. This wasn't something that I wanted to do but I had to. I couldn't bring myself to speak. I held the test in my hand and was fighting to hold back the tears as I saw the look of disappointment in her face. She wanted me to have an abortion. 'Get rid of it' were her exact words. I felt such anger towards her; how could someone be so cruel. It's easier said than done,it's a whole different story when it's you carrying a little baby and someone says that. It was 2 weeks before I finally made a decision, but it wasn't the one I wanted deep down. My boyfriend was upset with my decision to have an abortion, he cried but he said he understood my decision.

On the way to the abortion clinic

A week later I was in the car on the way to the clinic. I felt sick. The woman next to me was my Mum and I hated her for making me do something I didn't want to do. I was too shy to stand up for myself. When I arrived I was crying. I looked around and there were a few other people there who looked confident. These were clearly people who had made their own decision and then there was me. I was finally called into a room where I had a scan. I was 11 weeks and 5 days. The nurse didn't say much but I guess she was used to it day in, day out. She printed my scan and shoved it in an envelope. I wanted to cry out loud and tell her it wasn't what I wanted, but everything was so quick and before I knew it I was lying on a operating table. The next thing I remember was waking up but it took a while to come round. I was taken into a recovery room I sat and cried for my baby to come back. I was walked down the stairs towards the exit when I saw her face. She didn't comfort me she didn't say a word. When we got in the car she just started chatting like nothing had happened. The anaesthetic still hadn't worn off. I screamed at her and punched her over and over but she just carried on like normal after that.

That night I held on to my boyfriend so tight he was the closest thing I had. A month passed I was crying myself to sleep. Everytime I saw a baby or a pregnant women I cried and felt like I couldn't breathe. It was as if a huge part of my heart had been ripped out and stomped on. I kept crying for my baby, for it to be safe. I wanted to explain everything, to say sorry. I wanted to hold my baby and the hardest part of it was knowing I never could. I felt so guilty and selfish. As much as I blamed my mother deep down I knew it was down to me and so does everyone else reading this. I was the one who let these strangers take my baby away from me. I still can't hold a baby. I don't think I'll ever have children. I was given the chance and I blew it. Even if I did no matter how many kids I have I could never replace the one that I sacrificed to please someone else. No matter what anyway says abortion is your choice no one else's. You're probably thinking I'm a hypocrite, but in life you do the test before the lesson. To this day I regret my choice and would do anything to turn back time.

Editor's Comment:-

Your story is a very sad one. At 16 you were probably influenced by your Mum's reaction and what she told you to do. Perhaps you felt it would be hard to manage without her support. You seemed unable to give voice to your true feelings and longings, and often once the abortion process is in motion it feels impossible to stop it, even if you want to. Your sadness and regret is still very strong even after a few months, and I think you would be helped by speaking to an advisor who can give you post abortion support. I think you are right that some of the responsibility lies with you, but your Mum also has some responsibility because of her reaction, and the pressure she put you under. I do believe there is a way through this for you so please ask for help on 0300 4000 999, or Online Advisor on the web site.

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