Early medical abortion - my biggest regret & an image that'll be with me always

By anonymous on 08/04/2010
medical abortion bpas

Ok here goes. (I was 22 at the time) In April 2008, I started having a casual fling with a guy that lived near me. We both knew it was only ever going to be casual as he was already with someone, and I knew his reputation as a bit of a ladies man.

Things were going fine, until one morning (about 2 days after I saw him) I felt odd. I can't even explain it, I just knew then that I was pregnant.

10 tests all positive

I didn't want to believe it. I went out and must have done about 10 tests all positive!

I was terrified and cried to my friends who all said they would be there no matter what.

At that point I didn't know what I was going to do, as up until then I had always said that I would never consider an abortion because of my own beliefs, but now I didn't know what to think or feel.

I was too scared to tell my parents, so I kept it between me and a couple of friends.

I had already got an appointment booked at the doctors as I had been suffering with a bad chest (because I had been ill my body rejected the pill I was on).

An early medical abortion

At just over a week pregnant I went to the doctors and she gave me a leaflet for bpas (british pregnancy advisory service) and explained because I was only just pregnant I could have an early medical abortion where you take tablets that induces a miscarriage.

I came away from the doctors still not a clue what to do, but I knew I had to tell the father, even though I knew what his reaction would be as he already had a child who he never saw from an affair. When he text me that afternoon, I told him I couldn't see him anymore but it wasn't because I didn't like him.

I eventually told him it was because I was pregnant and I knew he wouldn't want anything to do with me. He told me he didn't want it, and wouldnt be able to cope and then asked what I was going to do.

No father for my baby

I think the thought of not having a father for my baby scared me so I told him I was thinking of a termination. He was ok with this and said it was for the best.

The following day I booked an appointment at the bpas clinic for my checkup etc before the termination was booked.

I took a friend with me as he couldn't make it (11th june). Even then I remember saying to my friend that I don't know what to do, and I can still change my mind after today. I still had 2 weeks or so to make my mind up. (termination was booked on 20th June)

I can't even remember those days in between as june 20th came so soon. I was terrified and don't think I had ever cried so much. He took me to the clinic in liverpool and was very supportive, (although I now think that was more so I went through with it as he dumped me after).

I took my first pill around 10am then went back at 3:15 for the rest. It was easy as that, all over with, how wrong was I? it was only he beginning.

The image will stay with me for ever


I went home, my mum thought I had been shopping with a friend so I tried to act normal and just said I was going for a lie down. I remember lying on my bed thinking "nothings happening" then all of a sudden I felt the worst pain in my stomach and I knew I was bleeding heavily.

I think I must have dropped off at some point not for long though. I remember waking up and realising I had bled a lot more than I thought and when I went to the toilet, I saw it, I had passed my baby, was the tiniest thing.

I was told it would be like a clot, but believe me it wasn't and the image will stay with me forever.

2 days later on the Sunday I was at the table with my mum, and must have looked upset she asked me what was wrong and I just started crying.

She said what's the matter? has someone hurt you? have you done something? Are you pregnant? "Not anymore im not" I said and I just brokedown.

She was very good and said it was for the best etc but that's not what I wanted to hear. I wanted her to hate me as much as I hated myself.

I wish I had been stronger and kept my baby

After that things went from bad to worse, I was crying all the time, not eating, had been put on antidepressents.

Not a day goes by when I don't wish that I had been stronger and kept my baby. It is the biggest regret of my life and it eats away at me everyday.

I talk to "him" everynight and tell him how sorry I am and I hope he can forgive me.

Nothing can prepare you for the after feelings of an abortion and given my chance again, I wouldn't have one.

I would advise others to really be sure before you go through with it, because it ruined my life. nearly 2 years on I'm still severely depressed, I have attempted to overdose several times, I self harm by cutting my wrists, and when I go to bed at night I pray I don't wake up again.


Editor's comment

You were very undecided about your decision all the way along, and kept telling yourself that you could change your mind. It must have been very hard for you knowing that your boyfriend didn't want the baby and would not be there for you if you continued with the pregnancy. I think you are very lonely and vulnerable in that situation and it is much harder to make a good decision when you feel like this. You did not mention whether you received any counselling at BPAS and this is always advised before you make your final decision, so that you can think it through carefully with an independent counsellor. I know it would be very hard for you to think about getting post-abortion counselling now because you are feeling so low, but I do believe this would help you. Please try to get the courage to find a centre for post-abortion support in your area and make contact with them. I am sure you feel as though you are in a black hole at the moment and you can't imagine things getting better, but there is help and hope for you, and there will be a way through this.

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