My partner asked me to get an abortion and I was scared I would lose him

By anonymous on 05/05/2010
When I became pregnant with my daughter I was 22 and not living with the father. I was living with a friend and having the time of my life.
My partner was not happy when he found out and asked me to have an abortion. I was devastated. I was told at 18 I would never have children naturally as my periods stopped when I was 16 and they said I was infertile.
I was shocked to find out I was pregnant as I had been suffering from period pains and irregular bleeding the previous week. After an examination the doctor said I needed to attend a scan the next day to check if the pregnancy was ok, as he though it could be ectopic. I was given an emergency number and told to make sure someone stayed with me over night in case anything happened.
I realised that because of this risk I had to tell my parents in case anything went wrong. The next day my parents and my partner came with me to the scan and everything was fine. My parents who are very anti abortion were very excited that this meant I could have a baby. My partner was scared of my parents and although he would never admit this he changed his mind about the baby and agreed we could keep it. I had a bad pregnancy with lots of problems. I put on a lot of weight and had our daughter by emergency caesarean after her heart beat was dangerously low.
I suffered massive post natal depression and it put a massive strain on our relationship. Eventually he left me. My biggest fear!!! I was left to be a single parent and after about 1 year I bonded with my then 2 year old daughter and built a good life for us both. It was at this point that me and her dad started to get close again. He could see what a different person I was, going to college managing being a mum and we got back together. After living apart for 2 years we finally moved back in together.

My dream family back again

I was in a good place emotionally and finally had a stable family life I had craved for me and my daughter. Being alone for 2years had made me appreciate that I wanted her to have her dad and me together and happy and finally we were. Then after 1 month of living together I found out I was pregnant again.
My partner reacted the same again. He asked me to get an abortion and I was so scared that what I had worked hard for 2 years was going to crash down around me. I had felt life as a single parent and I could not go back. This was the life I wanted. With the absence of my periods and me being classed as obese I had no idea how pregnant I was. So my partner paid for a private scan as the pregnancy advisory had refused to treat me as my BMI was over 45.
The hospital had agreed they would do the abortion if I was under 12 weeks. I prayed my hardest that I was over 12 weeks so we would have no choice and my partner would have to support me if it wasn't my fault. Any way it wasn't, it was 7 weeks. I rang him when I came out of the hospital and he started ranting on that we had to get it sorted now and that we had chance to. Wanting me to ring round there and then to get it done. I couldn't breathe.

He refused to look at the scan

I was given the scan to take to the hospital as proof. I looked at it, it looked exactly like our daughter's first scan, when my partner changed his mind. Maybe he would now! But he refused to look at it. Insisting that we had to get rid. I saw a doctor who agreed to perform the abortion on the day of the 12th week.
My partner never changed his mind, refused to talk about it. I was scared and seemed to just move through each day, knowing, always knowing that my child was growing and holding on! It killed me, I was numb. On the day he dropped me off at hospital and was told he could not stay with me until the abortion and that I was 1st in line. I sat in this hospital room, changed into the gown and cried. I wanted to run, but my body didn't move. I wanted to scream but I just shook. I cried as they wheeled me down to the operating theatre, the nurse held my hand and I desperately wanted her to stop and ask if I was ok so I could say no, but she didn't.
They asked me to confirm my name and I thought about saying a wrong name so they would take me back wondering who I was, but I didn't. I woke up in agony, I soon realised the pain was not physical. Three years on and I can't cope. I hate what I did. I spent the whole time hoping that someone would ask if I was ok so I could say no, if my partner would look at the scan and change his mind, but really it was up to me. I should of said no, screamed, ran and looked after my baby, not put my partner 1st like I did, cause now of course I am angry, With him, and me. I feel angry that he knew but said nothing in case I changed my mind. My daughter asks all the time for a brother or sister and I feel guilty I took that away from her.
My partner is now my husband, he's had a vasectomy. I can't cope. I can't say I lost a baby cause I killed it. Me, and no one else. I can't blame him, I did nothing to stop it.

Editor's Comment

I can understand your fear of losing your relationship,and the happy stable family you always wanted. It is hard to face the possibility of being a single parent again and ruining what you felt you had.
Unfortunately being pressurised into a decision like this is terribly damaging and you are obviously suffering guilt and regret for not being stronger and standing up for what you wanted in your heart of hearts. Although you are taking all the blame yourself I think that your husband is also responsible for some of the decision. There is a very good support programme called 'The Journey' that I think would help you to work through some of these painful emotions. Please ring the national helpline to find out some more about this support 0300 4000 999, or follow the link to find a centre for post abortion support in your area.

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