I do know that the pain eats away at me every single day.
I am a 35 year old married woman with one daughter. I think of myself as a nice, intelligent person with a lot to offer. However, I have had 3 abortions. This makes me cry just to write it. How could I be so irresponsible? How could I have let this happen? The first one was when I was 17. I had been seeing an older guy who was very intimidating and I felt totally under his control. We were using the withdrawal method and of course I quickly got pregnant. I could not tell my Mum (she had guessed) and I felt so ashamed to be another teenage pregnancy statistic.
A friend urged me to keep the baby as she had been through a similar situation but I couldn't cope with the thought of a child at such a young age. I had a surgical abortion at 9 weeks. I felt so upset but also relief.
I cancelled the abortionI next got pregnant at 23 with a man that I loved. Again, I felt panic at how I would cope and got an appointment for another abortion. However something stopped me and I had a beautiful daughter. The best decision I ever made was to cancel that appointment. I married my boyfriend when my daughter was a baby and we were happy at first....He had many issues that I didn't realise and the fact we had a baby so quickly put a strain on us as a couple.
He became abusive and this got worse as time went on. I felt so confused and lonely that I developed Bulimia as a result of stress (I had suffered from Anorexia in my early twenties as well). I had no confidence and wouldn't go out or see friends. At the time this behaviour seemed 'normal' to me. I kept all my feelings to myself. I then fell pregnant at the age of 31. I didn't tell my husband. I felt so sick and wanted the baby aborted. I went to a private clinic at 6 weeks and felt numb. I buried my feelings and carried on with life. My world had become chaotic, my marriage was a disaster and I took solace in other men, drink and Bulimia. I got into trouble with the Police and had to go to court.
An abortion at 8 weeksAt the age of 34, I was pregnant again. This time with a man younger than me who could not cope with fatherhood. My husband knew about the affair and urged me to have an abortion. I felt a strong bond with my baby and wanted to keep it. I then began to panic as I had done with all my pregnancies, worrying about money, being on my own etc. I couldn't talk to anyone. So I decided I was being selfish for wanting this child and again had an abortion at 8 weeks.
That day was the worst of my life. I remember sitting in the hospital with other women in the same situation thinking 'I can just get up at any moment and leave'. I watched the clock tick by until it was my turn. Afterwards I was distraught and immediately wanted to 'replace' my baby. I desperately tried to get pregnant again only two weeks after.