I gave up my 19-month-old son as he was an unwanted child

I gave my son up when he was 19 months old. He wasn't a wanted child and I discovered I was having him very late in my pregnancy. His dad was so unsupportive which was hard.

I met someone else and we fell in love and I told him that I didn't love my son, I love my other two children dearly but I could not love my son and I had never loved him. My boyfriend held me close and said he already knew.

He could see the love for my other children but there was not one ounce of love for my baby. He told me he would support me whatever I chose.

In time he was offered a job abroad and we decided to go, with my children. But I couldn't get a passport for my son. So I rang his dad and told him to come and get him.

He did. Six months ago. I've not seen him since.

He took the baby to hospital and said I had abused him, which broke my heart. His claims were unfounded.

I've received court orders redirected through the post that the court are trying to find me to ascertain any wishes I have towards seeing him but I'll never answer them.

People I meet now don't know about my son. And they never will. I pretend he never existed.

My boyfriend and I split up soon after all this happened. So it's just me and my other kids now. My baby would've been two a few weeks ago and the day passed like any other should. I feel nothing towards him and don't think I ever will.

This story was sent in on 07/02/2013

Editor's comment

Your story is quite unusual in that even with unplanned pregnancies, once the baby is here a mum usually bonds with them. In your case for some reason that bonding didn't happen. Hopefully, your son will be adopted into a loving caring family. It is not his fault that your relationship went wrong and he deserves a supportive upbringing. It will be hard if he ever comes looking for you and his siblings when he is grown up. There are practitioners who help with issues around birth mothers and adoption if you ever want to talk to anyone.

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