I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy 10 days ago. It was an amazing experience and he was a much longed for child. However, he was born with Downs Syndrome.
This was a devastating thing for my husband and I as we had worried about this from the beginning of the pregnancy. We had taken what we thought were sufficient precautions, having an extra scan and blood test and were given very good odds against the baby not having Downs. As it was something I was so worried about from the beginning, our decision, although very painful, was already made.
He is currently with foster parents and will be hopefully adopted by a lovely family who will be more able to give him the special attention he needs. He is gorgeous and I had the joy of looking after him for the first 5 days of his life, giving him all my love and affection in this crucial time. My husband and I feel lost and alone. It is so hard to explain to people who have not had this experience and we feel so guilty for giving him away. I miss him and would love to hold him, smell him and feel his lovely soft skin. This was my first child. I am 40 so maybe there will not be another. It was so hard to hand him over yet I do know in my heart that it is the right thing to do. It just hurts so much at the moment that sometimes I can hardly breath.
I know that there are families out there who are waiting for the chance to bring up a child and will love and cherish him. I don't know how I am going to get through this but I suppose it is early days.
Editor’s note: Thank you for being brave enough to share your story when, as you say, so few people understand a choice to make an adoption plan for a baby. It seems you believe with all your heart that this is the choice that’s best for your baby. Even with that strong belief, this is a choice that’s incredibly costly for you and your husband. You are feeling the pain of loss, the grief, the longing.
I don’t know how much support you are receiving from the adoption agency or elsewhere, but you can visit one of our centres, either on your own or together, and receive some support through this difficult time. We acknowledge adoption as a positive option and provide support for the birth parents who make these often selfless decisions to place for adoption. You would be very welcome.