I have booked two terminations both of which I haven't turned up for

Hi I am nearly 19 weeks pregnant and 21 tomorrow, I don't really know where to start.
I have had counselling from marie stopes clinic and have now booked two terminations both of which I didn't turn up for.

I have changed my mind so many times about what to do which is why it has been left so late

I have kinda tried to forget about it hoping I wouldn't have to make a decision. My partner 'the father' has told me his feelings and he is totally against me having the baby, he thinks I'm being irresponsible and more so bringing a baby into the world knowing it isn't going to have a dad as he wants nothing to do with it.
Both times I've booked the termination he has got back with me and when I didn't go he left me again.

He says he wants to be with me just not with a baby yet as it will be a struggle.

I'm in such a horrible place and I feel scared and alone I really don't know what to do. I find myself crying about it most days and I feel super guilty for even considering a termination but this is all just a mess. I wish this was easier but just gets harder every day that goes by. I don't really have anyone I can talk to and who I do talk to I always get the same response "leave him he isn't worth it" or do what's best for you, well I don't know what's best for me which is why its come to this and deep down he probably isn't worth it putting me through all this, but it's those feelings (love) and I find it hard walking away from him. I don't want to be without him we've been together nearly 4 years and had a great relationship before all this. When I originally found out I was pregnant I was excited since then I've never felt that :( I think its going to be very hard being a single mum struggling and unable to work what kind of a life can I offer a baby? I also grew up without a father and saw my mum struggle and I didn't want that but on the same note how can I terminate a life? I should be more responsible for what I've done, I just wish I had the answer.
I don't want to make the wrong decision and regret it for the rest of my life, I've always considered myself to be a strong person but feel soo weak and hopeless with this, I wish no one to be in my position.

Editor's Comment

Something has stopped you from going ahead with an abortion twice now and I think it would be good to look at what made you unable to go through with it on those 2 occasions. It sounds as though something inside you is saying that it's not a decision you feel is right for you. It is sad that after 4 years your boyfriend is putting this pressure on you, and I wonder if he will stay with you if you decided on abortion? There are no guarantees! and you may end up having the abortion to keep him and then losing him anyway. I do wonder if you would still want the relationship after an abortion. I think it would help you to talk to a trained advisor about your decision. They can give you accurate information which will be important for you to weigh up, as an abortion at 20 weeks is going to be more complicated and a bit more risky for you. Please contact someone for help.

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