An abusive relationship

Hi, I am 19 years old and have a son that is 9 months old.
It all started when I was 14 and had my first proper boyfriend. We dated for about a month and he was on tag, but at the time I didn't know what a tag was until my mum told me and I didn't know what he was on tag for but I found out later on.
So anyway he came around to me house one night bladdered. We already broke up and he wanted to get back with me and telling me that he loved me but I didn't want to get back with him and I didn't love him, so I told him I didn't want to get back with him. He pushed me into my brothers room and pinned me up against the wall,...

I said No, but he tried to rape me.

I tried to stop him. I used all my strength,and he finally gave up I was so relieved and scared at the same time I don't know why I didn't shout, I was too shocked incase he did something more to me and I couldn't cry, nothing would come out. I just felt dazed and numb, he eventually left and now I still see him in the town centre and he gives me a smug smile. I hate him so much! :btw way he was on tag for rape!
So anyway I got with my boyfriend who I am with now. I told him further on into the relationship that I was nearly raped and he stood by my side and helped me through it. I thought I could trust him until one day he hit me, I was speechless and confused..
Then all the hitting started from that day... I was so heartbroken over it... I had loads of bruises on my arms and legs off him but I didn't tell anyone. I was too scared to and the beatings were getting worse ...
I had a big blue lump on my cheek and I said to my teachers in college that I banged it on the corner of my table. Fighting back did nothing, he still hit me back.
I got depression after a bit and felt life wasn't worth living. I tried to break up with him but he said he would kill himself and I can't live with that kind of guilt, so I was stuck. Then I noticed for three month he hadn't hit me, so when he asked me to have a baby with him I said yes, but he just wanted one because he found out his brother was having one, but I didn't know that. I was already pregnant but didn't know.

We were all excited when I found out I was pregnant.

He didn't hit me during my pregnancy, he just wasn't there at all. He made me feel fat and ugly. I started blaming my baby at first then I knew it wasn't his fault just his dad was a nut job.He said he wanted a boy but on the day we found out we were having a boy he looked disappointed, I was so upset.
Then one night I woke up and he was having sex with me while I was asleep. I didn't know how long he had been doing this. I told him to stop it and he did. Then I woke back up and he was doing it again and wouldn't stop he started doing this more often I just pretended I was asleep..When my son was born he didn't help. He made me look after him, do the night feeds. He would go home coz he lived 40 mins away by car from me. He would go home and say he had no petrol to come and see me and my son.

I got postnatal depression, I started cracking up and didn't sleep at all.

When he came down I went on his emails to see what he was up to. He was signing up to chat rooms and things like that. I was crushed, I hated myself, I couldn't stand looking at myself.
One day we had a drink together with some friends. I got upset, so I wanted to speak to him about it. He wouldn't, so I went outside for a smoke. I didn't know he was looking for the cigs. He came out kicking out at me and was up in my face. We fought for some time and he tried to strangle me, until a friend came to my rescue.
We broke up but he wriggled his way back in. We were getting on, then one night we had a good night out with friends, but when we got home he raped me. I shouted to my mum but he said I was lying and my mum didn't believe me and she was meant to be there for me!So we split up, I couldn't take it anymore and yet again he got his way back in and we got a house. He tried to have sex without a condom. When I said no he said let's have a baby. I said no, he got mad and sat on the floor. I said you only asked me for a baby so you didn't have to use anything... I called him sick and pathetic. Then he started making personal comments about my downstairs area which made me feel bad :( which now this leads to yesterday he raped me again that why I am writing this story because I can't get away from him and I need to x

Editor's Comment

This is a very distressing story that I have edited a good deal. First you need to know that you are worth more than this abusive relationship. You deserve care and respect, and you should not accept your boyfriend treating you in this violent abusive way. There are ways for you to escape from this relationship and I would encourage you to be brave and contact some help.I include a helpful website or suggest that you contact Women's refuge in your area. http://www.respectphoneline.org.uk/pages/people-experiencing-abuse.html

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