A crisis pregnancy at 30

I found out I was pregnant 4 days ago. Although I am 30, my circumstances are not exactly ideal. I am quite ashamed that this pregnancy was the result of a casual relationship. I have still yet to tell him and if I'm honest I don't think I ever will.

We were careful using condoms every time we had sex, apart from the one time when I conceived.

It sounds ridiculous in a way, but I never thought I could possibly get pregnant, so I was shocked when the two pregnancy tests that I took revealed themselves to be positive.
I have my initial appointment on the 19th July, but it's the waiting that's causing a lot more upset than the procedure. I have done quite a lot of research on the internet and I think that I will be opting for a medical termination. I am certain in my decision to end this pregnancy, but feel fear of disappointment from my friends and family, which is why I have chosen to tell just the one person. Thankfully she is a midwife and a very good friend of mine. She is non-judgmental and has a thorough understanding of the process, which has been a great comfort to me.
My biggest fear, is that I won't ever have the chance to be a mummy again and that I might have lost the opportunity by choosing to abort this 'cell' (I find that referring to 'it' as a 'cell' easier to de-personify what's currently growing inside me).

Editor's Comment

It sounds as though you have some doubts about your decision although you say that you are certain. You are concerned about regreting your chance to be a mum, and unable to face what you are actually aborting. Sometimes those ambivalent emotions can surface after the event and it would be worth seeking post abortion support if you find yourself struggling with difficult emotions.

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