I'm 39 years old and just recently married (6+months). I just found out that I'm pregnant.
By anonymous on 02/07/2007I'm 39 years old and just recently married (6+months). I just found out that I'm pregnant. My husband has 3 children, 2 living with us, and 1 from a previous relationship that he has limited contact with. I have two grown children from a previous marriage. We've talked about having a child at some point, but not right now.
I've been on the pill. However, I was recently switched to a different lower dose pill due to high blood pressure. When I found out, I had so many mixed feelings. I know my husband isn't ready right now, but I did a lot of praying, and feel that this must be something that is just meant to be because we were taking precautions. Like I said, I'm 39, and this may be my last chance, but my husband is insistent on termination because he doesn't want one right now. We are still going through the struggles of our first year of marriage. He's under a lot of stress because of his ex wife.
I just can't bring myself to terminate because I feel like it would be selfish to do just because he's not ready. I'm not necessarily ready either, but that's not this baby's fault. My feelings are really putting more strain on my relationship with my husband. He looks at me with contempt. He says he doesn't want it, but when I didn't include him in planning the first appointment with the doctor, he got mad and said from now on, he wants to be at each appointment. His feelings about wanting me to terminate have not changed, and I don't think they will. He really doesn't like not being in complete control of things. What should I do?
Editor’s note: Thanks for sharing your story. It’s a sad fact that many women are forced to decide between their partner and their pregnancy, and feel so terribly torn. Fathers sometimes distance themselves from the mother in this situation – sometimes expressing contempt - and she then feels she simply has no choice: she has to terminate just to restore or keep the relationship intact. However, when a woman is also going against her own deeper instincts, her beliefs or her conscience in order to have an abortion and keep the relationship intact, she is more prone to emotional problems afterwards, such as guilt, anger, grief and sense of loss. These emotions can put incredible pressure on a relationship and provoke its breakdown. That control, which really only exists in part, is therefore lost again…
I strongly encourage you – and your husband if he is willing - to visit your nearest centre and talk this through with a trained advisor. It’s important for you both to be clear about termination and your feelings about it. I suspect that circumstances are dominating your husband’s mind and he hasn’t had a chance to think it through well either. It’s time to seek reconciliation between you, your husband and your child, but if that doesn’t occur, then you need to be clear about what you want and make the decision you can live with. We’ll be thinking of you.