An unplanned pregnancy at 37
I need help. I am 37 years old and almost a month ago I found out that I was pregnant. This was very shocking news because I had used all precautions and was trying to avoid this at all cost. I must have gotten pregnant on my period or a day or two after, so really that does happen as I thought it was very rare. Anyway, I have been so depressed, upset, sad, mad after learning this news and to this day I am still in shock. My first reaction was to terminate this pregnancy as I don't think I can handle going through another pregnancy at my age. I get really panicky when I even think about pregnancy, labor, delivery and then raising the child. I am very concerned for my health and also the health of the unborn baby if I should go on with this pregnancy.
My history is this. I have two children, 17 and 11. The first pregnancy was not good, I ended up with pre-eclampsia and on bedrest the last 6 weeks. I ended up getting an infection after delivery and the whole labor was 23 hours in which at one point there was a scare that we had lost the baby. My second pregnancy was better but I still had high blood pressure. My blood pressure is usually normal but when I am pregnant it goes high. I am 9 weeks and my blood pressure has already spiked to around the pre-hypertension stage, but I am not sure if it's because of all the stress or if it is the start of something already.
I also developed underactive thyroid (Hashimoto's disease) after the birth of my second child so I struggle with this. I am on a natural thyroid medication for this to control my symptoms but my levels are never in the normal range when tested. I have been dealing with this for years.
I had a termination scheduled last week because I thought it was the right choice for me.After sitting in the waiting room for hours, getting the ultrasound done, blood tests done, I ended up rescheduling and walking out of there, as I was so overwhelmed with all the waiting and thinking that maybe I shouldn't be doing this.
I am now rescheduled to have this done and my emotions are a rollercoaster. While I know in my head that this is the right choice for me healthwise, financially, emotionally, my heart and head are battling.
I feel guilty.I can't look at the potential father and I can't even look at my kids and I am not sure why. The potential father is a bit younger than I am and has one son and wants more children but he said he would be supportive of me either way. But yet I feel guilty as I think I should also give him what would make him happy even though I think a termination would be the right choice for me. There is also a chance that he might not be around later on as he is from a different country and I am scared to raise a baby alone again.
I guess I just need some advice on how to make peace with a decision that I know is right for me without feeling guilty.
Thank you so much.