An unplanned pregnancy at 37

Hi there, I need help. I am 37 years old and almost a month ago I found out that I was pregnant. This was very shocking news because I had used all precautions and was trying to avoid this at all cost. I must have gotten pregnant on my period or a day or two after, so really that does happen as I thought it was very rare. Anyway, I have been so depressed, upset, sad, mad after learning this news and to this day I am still in shock. My first reaction was to terminate this pregnancy as I don't think I can handle going through another pregnancy at my age. I get really panicky when I even think about pregnancy, labor, delivery and then raising the child. I am very concerned for my health and also the health of the unborn baby if I should go on with this pregnancy. My history is this. I have two children, 17 and 11. The first pregnancy was not good, I ended up with pre-eclampsia and on bedrest the last 6 weeks. I ended up getting an infection after delivery and the whole labor was 23 hours in which at one point there was a scare that we had lost the baby. My second pregnancy was better but I still had high blood pressure. My blood pressure is usually normal but when I am pregnant it goes high. I am 9 weeks and my blood pressure has already spiked to around the pre-hypertension stage, but I am not sure if it's because of all the stress or if it is the start of something already. I also developed underactive thyroid (Hashimoto's disease) after the birth of my second child so I struggle with this. I am on a natural thyroid medication for this to control my symptoms but my levels are never in the normal range when tested. I have been dealing with this for years.

I had a termination scheduled last week because I thought it was the right choice for me.

After sitting in the waiting room for hours, getting the ultrasound done, blood tests done, I ended up rescheduling and walking out of there, as I was so overwhelmed with all the waiting and thinking that maybe I shouldn't be doing this. I am now rescheduled to have this done and my emotions are a rollercoaster. While I know in my head that this is the right choice for me healthwise, financially, emotionally, my heart and head are battling.

I feel guilty.

I can't look at the potential father and I can't even look at my kids and I am not sure why. The potential father is a bit younger than I am and has one son and wants more children but he said he would be supportive of me either way. But yet I feel guilty as I think I should also give him what would make him happy even though I think a termination would be the right choice for me. There is also a chance that he might not be around later on as he is from a different country and I am scared to raise a baby alone again. I guess I just need some advice on how to make peace with a decision that I know is right for me without feeling guilty. Thank you so much.

Editor's Comment

Something has put doubts in your mind about this decision. Walking out of your schedualed abortion, and then feelings of guilt are telling you that something about your decision feels uncomfortable. If your heart is battling against the decision your head is making, you should explore where those doubts are coming from. Can you live with this decision longterm? I would recommend that you talk this through with one of our trained practitioners so that you can think this through and be sure you can be at peace with the decision you make. You can call the national helpline 0300 4000 999, log on to Online advisor, or follow the link to find a centre for pregnancy choices support in your area.

This story was sent in on 04/09/2012

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