A single mum with a difficult decision to make

I'm a 36 year old single mum of one very loud, lively and determined 3 year old boy. He's wonderful/amazing/clever/beautiful = hard work/stubborn/full on and tiring in equal measures. I love him more than words, we're extremely close and he's my life. But being a single mum is very hard - trying to do both the discipline and the love and nurturing, tirelessly trying to bring him up as a good, polite and loving little boy whilst making sure we are fed, clothed, get to work/nursery on time, happy and healthy etc etc So when I found myself taking a positive pregnancy test a few weeks ago, I went to bed - to sleep it off - only when I woke up the positive result was still there and so this emotional turmoil began. I told the father, who is (to complicate matters further) is the father of my beautiful boy (though we separated when my boy was 9 months old they have regular contact - which means he and I have regular contact - which has lead to occasional intimate moments). His reaction was really terrible - he was quite nasty and said many cruel things in order to talk me out of 'keeping the baby'. Initially due to his reaction of not wanting anything to do with it I visited the doctors and booked a consultation for a termination. I went ahead to the consultation and took the opportunity to speak with the counsellor there who was really lovely. I booked the termination but left that day believing I wouldn't be needing the appointment as I was strong enough to make my decision and keep the baby without the father's negative input.

I now only have just over a week to go before the termination is due to take place.

Every day I wake up thinking differently. In fact every other hour of every day I sway from one decision to another. How could I cope with a baby and a 3 1/2 year old boy who is so demanding of my love and attention. The simple daily tasks which have only recently become easier again would suddenly become harder than they ever were - shopping, showering, making and keeping appointments, childcare problems, financial worries - shoes and clothes grown out of quicker than they can be replaced...My head spins with it all, yet all the practical worries in the world don't seem to help me come to the final decision of going through with the termination...it's a head v heart thing as I'm sure is very normal but so very confusing, upsetting and stressful. I just don't know that which ever decision I make I won't always feel that I made the wrong decision in some way. It's the most terrible decision I've felt I've had to make and as I realise I'm getting closer to the 'no turning back' date I really have to come to terms with a decision, one way or another.

Editor's Comment

No one can pretend that being a single mum is not very hard work and demanding, and I can understand your fears about coping with a second baby, especially with the father being unsupportive.
However something is making you feel uneasy about having an abortion and I think it is still important to listen to your heart as well as your head. It may feel important that your son has a brother or sister to grow up with, as well as your own feelings about this baby. It is a very difficult decision, and I would encourage you to talk it through again with someone independent. There is always trained practitioners to talk to you on the national helpline, who can help you to think through your options and decision. The number is 0300 4000 999

This story was sent in on 25/09/2012

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