I should be delighted but recently have been having serious doubts about continuing with my pregnancy...
By anonymous on 09/07/2007
I am 9 weeks pregnant and have had a meeting with my midwife. I am 31, have been in my relationship for 3 yrs, own my own home and have a good job. I should be delighted but recently have been having serious doubts about continuing. My partner, although most the time is great, has a drinking habit which changes him to be not the most supportive. He also spends most of his money this way and already has a 13 yr old child from a previous relationship whom he doesn't see because of arguments over financial support. We were very close to splitting before this happened by accident. There are also dreadful mental health and alcoholism problems in his immediate family that seem to permanently be a fixture in my life. I know that I will need to consider continuing with the knowledge that I may well have full financial and care responsibilities. I can't believe that the above paragraph describes my situation!
My Father and siblings will be supportive but do not approve. My Mother has passed away and it's only my Father who lives remotely nearby. He will be the least supportive and biggest disapprover.
I am scared that I will have a life of isolation, having to put up with his lifestyle choices in a relationship that naturally would have ended by now if it were not for this pregnancy. However, up until last week I was happy and trying to see the positive side. I am praying that I will miscarry because I don't know if I can terminate this late. As I said, I felt happy and positive about impending Motherhood and was really enjoying my pregnancy. Then last weekend it seemed to change so I have a BPAS appointment for one week’s time (and a scan for the week after!)
It's crazy. I don't know what to do. I have told a couple of close friends about the pregnancy but he has told everybody so I'm trapped pretending that I'm ok and happy but I'm really not. I'm worried that feelings like this are normal and will pass or that I will leave it too late and hate myself, my baby and my whole entire life.
Editor’s note: Thanks for sharing your story so far. You certainly have a lot to think about right now. It sounds as if this pregnancy has suddenly caused you to look at the life that you have and you’ve seen it with new eyes. Perhaps you say to yourself, ‘It felt OK when it was just me, but a baby too…?'
In your heart you seem to welcome the pregnancy and I don’t think you’d have any problem enjoying the prospect of a baby if your circumstances were different. You seem fearful of not having enough support but I wonder how much support you really have now. It seems you have to cope with so much on so little already.
You don’t say specifically what happened last weekend, but for a woman to feel happy about her pregnancy and then to make an appointment for a termination usually means that the change is an external change of some kind rather than an internal change of heart towards the baby itself.
Perhaps you feel that ending the pregnancy would bring everything back to the ‘manageable’ place that it was before, but perhaps it just seems that way because what you had is familiar and ‘normal’. Having an abortion never turns the clock back – it never takes away the fact that once you were pregnant. Some women cope with that, but others don’t and that is something only you can consider.
Maybe this crisis is really an opportunity – an opportunity for you to face up to the life you have and make courageous changes towards the life you want to have. That doesn't necessarily mean ending your pregnancy. Big steps, I know. But there is support for you. You must make the decision you can live with.
I think it would help you to talk this through with a trained advisor either on the helpline or face to face at your nearest centre. She will be able to help you think through the options thoroughly and provide ongoing support. There is hope. We’ll be thinking of you.
