I don't want this baby I'm about to give birth to

I'm 38. I have a daughter who graduated college this week. (Father number 1) I have two more daughters in high school (father number 2). I was in a very unfulfilling and sometimes abusive 17 year old marriage. I have had 7 affairs. I had my final affair with a married man in Sept 2013 and got pregnant. I was searching for an easy way out of my marriage. My, now fiance, just wanted another baby. He left his wife for me...isn't divorced yet but is trying to be. He has a four year daughter and a ten year old son and an 18 year old daughter. (two different moms). My ex husband, whom I still love, easily granted our divorce, it took 2.5 months and cost next to nothing and then my daughters kicked me out of the family home. I don't want this baby I'm about to give birth to in 5 more weeks but I have to pretend I do. My fiance is so excited. My daughters are so hurt. I'm so embarrassed to look pregnant around them. When their friends are around I suck it in and try to just look fat. I couldn't abort...wasn't a moral option of mine. And now I'm stuck. I fell apart a couple months ago and landed in the psychiatric ward in the hospital as I wanted to stab the baby through my belly. I still secretly want to. I have no one to talk to as I am in the military and they will not offer me support. My fiance just minimizes everything I feel and blames pregnancy hormones for my sorrow. I am having panic attacks now and am terrified of the birth. I wish I had miscarried. I want to die. But I have a new life insurance policy that makes it impossible to kill myself for 2 years or my daughters won't receive financial compensation. So here I sit, lonely, scared, and terribly missing my ex husband and daughters, who do now visit me in my new home. I have a lovely nursery all set up now, everything a new mom could want. I wear a smile and pretty maternity clothes when not in my combat uniform. But I am constantly ashamed. I hate myself painfully much. I just need to know that there is one, just one, other woman out there that is in the same boat as me. That feels as sluttish and whorish as I do. That hates themselves and their unborn baby but isn't allowed to so she pretends and is secretly dying.

Editor's Comment

You sound very low,desperate and in need of help and support. I think you are very low and clearly unsure about the dramatic change of events in your life. Shame is a very debilitating and destructive emotion that locks you into a spiral of blame and feeling condemned. Please contact an advisor on the secure Online service to talk this through with someone who can guide you and help you through this.
This story was sent in on 27/04/2014

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