We use condoms every time we have sex and this has failed us.

I'm 26, I have a 4 and 5 year old as well as an 8 month old baby. I've just finished breastfeeding and so visited my doctor for contraception but while I was waiting for my next period to start the pill I have become pregnant. We use condoms every time we have sex and this has failed us.
I'm due to start a new job in 2 weeks, I've started uni only 3 months ago, my partner doesn't live with us and says this pregnancy is 'impractical' which is probably right, especially with all these factors and financial matters.
I went to my doctor for a termination referral but my heart it screaming at me not to do it and I can't stop crying at the thought.
I had a medical termination when my first child was 10 months old, it wasn't what I wanted and I was pressured into it, the whole experience was horrific and I still think about/regret it everyday. I can't help comparing this situation to that, I feel as though I'm being given a second chance (pathetic as that might sound). I also keep thinking what if it's a girl? As I have 3 boys

I know I won't be taken seriously if I turn up to my new job pregnant and I know it will damage my ability to continue with my degree. As I live alone and also have absolutely no family/support I'm terrified of how I'd cope and hate the thought of my boys suffering and not being given all the time etc they need. Money is also a major issue as I couldn't afford a new car to cater for 4 children, two lots of nappies, childcare for 4 children etc.
I've also been having an affair for the past two years (my relationship has been rock bottom and I've not been in love with my partner and he's emotionally bullied me for years) and I just feel so guilty at the idea of him having to watch me go through another pregnancy, I know it sounds impossibly selfish but I don't want to risk losing him as, aside from my boys, he is the only thing I really look forward to.
There's so much going on and so many aspects that I just want to die so I don't have to face this impossible situation. I'm just terrified of how I can deal with the emotions of another termination no matter how much the list of reasons for outweigh the against.

Editor's Comment

I can understand how difficult this situation is for you. All the practical issues are pointing to ending the pregnancy so that you don't put your new job and degree in jeopardy. However, your heart is aching at such a decision, and that fact that you have been through a medical termination in the past and deeply regret it, makes this an impossible choice. You will have to think through which decision you can live with long term. You already know how it feels to think about and regret an abortion, is this something you can live with a second time?
If it would help to talk this through then please call the helpline, or log into Online advisor, for unplanned pregnancy support.
This story was sent in on 23/12/2014 and it's been viewed 249 times.

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