I'm 34 and my husband is 32. We have been together for ten years...

By anonymous on 13/02/2008
I'm 34 and my husband is 32. We have been together for ten years but only moved in together about 1.5 years ago - we have a very good relationship. Last year I was pregnant and had a termination and it was incredibly difficult for me. I suffered emotionally because of the guilt associated with that decision.

I have just found out that I’m 18 weeks pregnant - I was having normal periods so didn't really have any reason to suspect that I was. I was also on the pill, so had no reason to think it would fail.

My husband cannot think of a positive thing to say or think or feel about having a baby and although he says he will not and cannot force me to have another termination, he cannot see a way forward. He says he cannot face me having another termination because of how it affected me emotionally and mentally last time. He said he isn't going to leave me, but I want to know how I can help him through this so that it makes us stronger as a couple and that he isn't thinking that this is the end of his life...it's just a different life, a potentially exciting one. And, like him worrying for my mental health, I want to know how I can help him so that he isn't mentally and emotionally affected by having the baby.

Editor’s note: Thanks for sharing your story…it sounds as if life has been a long time coming for you and your husband, being together for so long before you got married and shared a home. I wonder what led to your decision to terminate last year – was it something you mutually agreed or was it that only one of you had a preference?

Your husband is trying to achieve something positive for himself by not wanting you to have this baby. Is he trying to preserve the life he has with you? Does he lack confidence about being a father? Does he want to avoid that responsibility? Does he have negative ideas about fatherhood from his own upbringing? Whatever it is, you would both benefit from talking this through with an advisor to understand what’s really going on here. Reluctant fathers sometimes need some insights to help them understand what is holding them back from this quite natural event in a man’s life.

For you, it feels as if you have to carry everything – the decision, the responsibility for your relationship and your husband’s feelings, your memories of last time, the uncertainty about how things will turn out relationally. At 18 weeks, you are almost half way through and you can see, thankfully, how this situation can be positive for both of you. Talking with an advisor will help you to prepare for what’s ahead and give you the support you need at this time. Let us know how things turn out for you.

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